I have switched my further writings to my Livejournal. It has the security features that allow me to be a lot more free with what I'm saying without worrying that someone might read it whom I don't trust. If you want to read it and don't have an Lj account, you can sign up for one in about 20 seconds. As they say, security through obscurity. All my previous Ambient entries will continue to be available here, and this site will continue to serve as a place for pictures that I take as well as my projects and such. Thankyou.

mood: relaxed | "What Women Want" DVD

Happy new cycle of planetary orbit to everyone. I really need to stop trying to write on my website and watch TV at the same time, because the entries on the website sound like crap because I'm trying to concentrate on the movie at the same time. What Women Want is a movie about a guy who can read women's minds as the result of an electrocution suicide attempt. Pretty cool. On New Year's eve, I was missing someone. Except she didn't exist. I guess I was wishing that I had someone special to share it with Wishful thinking, neh?

mood: relaxed | "Room Raiders" on MTV

Remember that story I posted a while back? The writer has done an excellent rehash of it, with more detail, clarification, better grammar, and a few "deleted scenes". Go read it. I may not agree with it, but I think it's excellent writing. I'm on vacation in Hawaii at my dad's place. My iPod continues to own. Not really much to report, as I'm watching TV. It's lightning-ing outside. Yeah. I had something to say earlier today, but I forgot it so I just posted the rehash of the story. Aite, until next time.

mood: happy but somewhat dreadful | "Still" - Geto Boys

The music is from Office Space. If you haven't seen that movie, you are going to. There's just no way around it. I'll shove the DVD down your throat. Christmas is always good. My new iPod is the pimpest machine in creation. My four gigs of tunes right there in my hand. The iBook was a step up from my huge, stationary Powermac, but the iPod is a further step up from the iBook. Now just add a built-in cell phone, make it as big as a watch, and then we'll talk :-)... and make it Linux, while you're at fulfilling my insane demands. I also got a DVD of a documentary about trekkies, aptly names "Trekkies." Gonna watch that on the flight to Hawaii tommorow. The trip to Hawaii makes me dreadful, cause chillin' with my dad is boring. I won't see my friends for the rest of the vacation. I wanted to have a really awesome time with them on New Years Eve, but as it were, I'm in Hawaii with my dad. Not like any hot chicks would come to a party that I throw, no... *walks off mumbling indistinctly, hunched over iPod* I hope y'all have fun in your various holiday endeavors. I have my pedigree project to do. <sarcasm>*jumps for joy*</sarcasm>. Off to sleep now, I supposed.

mood: slightly pained | "Something in the Way" - Nirvana

A can of black spraypaint exploded in my face, so after spending 45 minutes in the shower washing that off (it was not pretty), I decided that maybe it was time to put the art supplies away for today. I sat myself down at the computer and decided that it was time to write my update for a change. Since it has been a while since I last wrote, this ought to be a nice long, juicy entry.

The last week of school was fun. We used my laptop to watch the Animatrix in math on Thursday. On Friday, I stayed on campus rather late, almost 5:20. I saw people farewelling each other "until next year." I don't know why, but it sounded very strange to me. This year has held so much; finally seeing it go will be a mixed blessing.

Yesterday there was Todd's Bar Mitzvah. The actual ceremony in the synagogue at Beth Am was not really interesting, it offered some interesting insight into the working of religion in modern people's lives. There was a prayer that went, "And may our darkest companions not lead us astray." As that line was spoken, David and I looked at each other with an evil eye. Thought that was kind of funny.

Now the real grand slam home run was the reception following the Bar Mitzvah. It happened at the Triton Art Museum. All by its lonesome that place is pretty pimp; they went to extra lengths to superpimipify it. They hired a DJ, had amazing food catered, and had a lighting designer set up lots of cool effects that were controlled by a computerized serial data net. Not bad... it began with mingling, hanging out and talking. Then Todd asked various people to come up and light candles in a ceremony. Gianna lit one candle that was to honor all of Todd's friends. Why her, I don't know, but it's a nice gesture. After that, there was a pimp buffet with the bestest food ever. Following ph00d, during which we were presented with all sorts of hats and sunglasses, the adults went into talking-and-drinking mode, and the DJ opened up the dance floor for us teenagers. There was a really awesome entertainment company there, flown in from LA. Probably one of the best parties I've ever been to, but I haven't really been to many parties, so that's not saying much. I wish it were, thought. We should have parties like that on a weekly basis. There must be some of you rich Harker people out there that have the resources to pull that off , neh?

The party, as far as being a social situation and only that (ie, we weren't there for any official purpose) brought everyone that was there a little closer automatically. It demonstrated, as these things usually do, my apparent inability to function in social situations. The party also helped me in another way: I'm pretty sure I know who I like (finally). Of course, I'm not going to see her again until January, so figuring out if I'm right is going to take a while. I'm banished to two weeks with my family, one with my mother in San Jose, and one in Hawaii with my dad. My dad's New Year's dinner party cannot compare to Todd's. No way. I want to do that again sometime, and New Years seems to be the closest and best opportunity. Too bad it's not happening. The party was that kind of thing tha tmakes you want to stay young forever. Part of me does; the other part of me despises being this age because girls just aren't interested yet at this age. *sigh* I'm going off to get a Christmas Tree. Later.

mood: *shrugs* | music: "No Shelter" - Rage Against The Machine

Hello there. As you may be aware, a TON of people went to see Honey (the new MTV-esque film with Jessica Alba and the song stating, "When I move, you move - just like that.) at the Great Mall this weekend. You would have seen a lot of people you knew there, and it was quite a social event. You would not, however, have seen me there, as I was not invited to come with anyone else, and I didn't know when or where until after the fact, so showing up by myself didn't work. Before I continue, I will ask that you scroll down a little and check out my entry on prank calling: I use a deranged (mis)interpretation of events, one that only I could come up with, to justify something that would otherwise be bad. That's not, however, what I'm going to do for this. At first thought, my calm, cool, controlled self thought "I don't care. The movie was probably dumb anyway." Throughout the day, though, I found that a little sector in the back of my head was getting increasingly upset at not having been told about this. For fuck's sake, Todd was going and he didn't tell me! It's a strange feeling for my otherwise detached, apathetic self to suddenly care about my social life. It would also have been a chance to meet Jennifer Wang IRL, which is not important perse but probably could have been cool. It seems like these things don't happen too often either, so I've prbably missed the only one this year. Quel horror. Oh well, it's not like it would have mattered anyway, right? Or at least, that's what I'll be telling myself. Until later..

mood: awake and bored | music: Milkshake - Kelis

You must be wondering about the song. I heard it on the radio and at the dance and was subsequently influenced to get it because the lyrics are so addictive. If you have not yet heard it, do so and you'll see what I mean. 'Nuff said. Speaking of the dance, pictures are up in the pictures section. I'm trying to host them off a computer in my garage this time. I hope my DSL can take the extra load, cause the pictures are usually in high demand. Whatever.The dance was relatively bad, because as usual, the asian girls ignored me. This one was worse because there were fewer people and more supervision. I also found out at the dance that Ms. Gargano bites her nails more than I do. This habit is usually brought on by stress, and if she does it more than me... what's eating her? Making our lives miserable isn't that hard of a job, is it? Oh well. Now that the facts are taken care of, lets get down to the deep and meaningful conversation. Oh yeah, my mom is getting rid of my beautiful Sony Ericsson T616 because AT & T's coverage sucks. I mean, it's by far the coolest phone I've ever owned with the camera and all, but what's the point if it never gets any reception? I'll probably be getting an ugly Nokia from T-Mobile or a flipphone from LG or Samsung using Verizon. Cingular has the T616s too, with excellent coverage, but its hella expensive. So who knows. Err... deep, meaningful conversation. Right. I dunno, the thought just crossed my mind that maybe I should thank everyone who comes here for reading and caring? But I know that some of you don't care, but are so bored that you think you'll find some entertainment in my quandries and toils. Oh well.

mood: slightly irked | music: none

Ok, now I have a little more than five minutes to deliver my thoughts. I have a stunning realization to deliver to y'all, which is nice. Let us establish a little backstory: Yesterday, in their boredom, Dan Nguyen and Kevin Hwa decided that they would make some prank calls. All in good fun, I thought, singing rap down the phone to random weirdos whose numbers we had. After then, however, things turned quite nasty. They called people and pretended to take the form of either myself or Todd. They used their forms to deliver falsehoods. I know that they told someone that Todd was going out with Diane (not true), but other than that I don't know any details. However, as a result, Annie Wang (whom I have never met or talked to)has stated that she "never wants to meet (me)", and most likely propagated that sentiment to her group of people. Now, normally we would see this as being a bad thing. However, in this case, it's kind of a backhanded compliment. It shows that my reputation in the eyes of the people whom Annie hangs out with matters. So, in someone's eyes, something about me matters? This is a new one. The things you people come up with... it's crazy. Anyway... an interesting revalation to be sure. If I'm even interpreting it correctly.

mood: annoyed | music: "Breath From Another" - Esphero

I have about 5 minutes to dump all my thought out to you. That's ok, thought, because I don't have five minutes of thoughts lined up. Well, coming up is the December 5th dance. This morning our division head made announcements regarding how to dance, but screwed it up entirely. She had it allwrong. What we shouldn't do though, is blame her for it. After all, back when she as our age, she never danced with anyone. She was one of those people who doesn't even go to dances. I'm not making excuses for her, but she was a loser and rather isolated at our age, so it's not her fault that she doesn't know. I have two mintues, and my computer is having the crap lagged out of itself. Um... think fast. Oh yeah, Still being ignored by asian girls. What else is new... history test tommorow? Yikes? I'ma fail. No that it matters. Apologies for the lack of insight and such, but I am really short on time.

mood: only slightly upset | music: "Block Rockin' Beats" - The Chemical Brothers

The Christmas List is now online. You're welcome to take a look. This is mostly for my mom (don't think I'm asking my friends to buy me expensive gadgets), but you could go and appreciate the design or whatever. Feel free to imitate my style; I seem to think it would work well for techno-illiterate parents (which mine are not - at least my mom isn't). They would be so blown away by your ability to create such sleek functionality that they would be more likely to get you what you want.

So my parents were on the phone with each other, and discussing what to get for my brother and I for Christmas, as well as our birthdays, which happen around the holiday season (like mine is Jan 10). Sooner or later I got wind that they were thinking of getting the brother an iPod. His Nomad MuVo crapped earlier this year, and despite my formatting it and flashing the firmware many times, it continued to fail. This kind of made me more alert, because if you look at my list this year I was wanting an iPod, and with my mother, getting us both the same thing can be taboo. Their justification for not getting me one is that my 64meg Nomad IIc still works fine. Still, isn't it a little backwards that my brother, who owns about ten CDs, gets 10gb Apple vanquish, and I, who have no less than two hundred CDs worth of tunes, am stuck with sixtyfour megs? Do the math, yo. I'm sure we'll get this figured out before Christmas. Suggestions are welcome, but whatever you do, don't go Harker-rich-kid on me and say "I have enough dough in my butt pocket to buy six iPods!" cause then I'll shove it up your butt. So keep in the pocket, yeah? If you're looking for something with emotional value/depth that's not clouded by materialism and lust, scroll down to yesterday's entry.

mood: humored | music: "Positive Contact" - Deltron

Hello y'all. In my boredom, I was reading stuff online. I came across a story someone wrote about their first relationship. It was overall pretty well written and I can definitely relate to some parts of it. A good writer, for sure. The full text can be found here. However, there is one part that I would like to bring to your attention and discuss with y'all. If I ever get in touch with the writer, I will be sure to ask him about this. Here's the bit:

"The following Monday, at lunch, I went up to Mystery girl. “Um..Um..hi,” I said. She giggled. “Who are you?” “I…I…I’m Kevin.” I seemed to be choking up. “Hi, I’m Christine.” So Mystery girl had a name, a beautiful name. We started talking. She was very smart, and very funny. Soon lunch was over. She ran, but turned around to say,”Nice meeting you Kevin.” I couldn’t take this, this was too much to bear. So I burst out, in one sentence, “I like you!” (paragraph) She dropped her smile. She started to twirl her hair. It was so cute. “I...like you too.'"

Ok. So at the beginning of the paragraph, he doesn't know her. Not even her name, she's a "mystery." Then, all of about 40 minutes later (or however long their lunch is), he likes her. Which brings me back to my age-old gripe... how can you like someone you don't even know? It seems rather incredible to me that you can have your emotions so invested in someone you just met. Worse yet, she, who failed to even notice he existed, claimed the same only seconds later? If anyone knows how it is possible to admire qualities in someone whose qualities you don't even know, please tell me. Looks are the one exception, as your eyes pick them up without further ado. But you can't fall in love for looks alone? You can definitely fall in "lust" at first sight, but now love. Can you? I'm asking for your opinions on this one. Give this a good think, then email/IM/whatever me and let me know. Thanks.

mood: relaxed | music: "Children" - Robert Miles

Hello y'all. Apologies for the lack of updates of late. I'm in Hawaii in my dad's new house. It is nice and new. It contains a cable modem and a wireless network, as well as DVD-surround sound and a TiVo (ie, record 3am Star Trek reruns) I really like the TiVo because I don't have one at home. Little did I know how useful it would be. Oh well. For the past few days I have been having dreams about a person. Not a person that actually exists, mind you, but a character created in my mind. She interacts with another character, a perfect replica of me, in a world which I have never seen (nice place, though.) She's perfect in every way. My "character" and her find copmletion in one another. The dreams are very nice and it's all well and good until we get down to the real questions: What does this mean? and also Am I crazy for imagining a perfect human? We know that no one can truely be perfect, all humans have some flaws. As far as what it means, I can hope that it's a precognitive vision of my own future, but of course it's more like an aspiration. They're in love and it's a perfect relationship (another thing which I should be punished for imagining.) It also raises another question... do I feel incomplete? No, not really.. .Maybe my subconcious does and has therefore conjured itself up this partner, using my imagination as a "graphics card" to "render" her, and then using REM-sleep to deliver the completed manifestation to my concious mind, Me. Or maybe I'm just weird... or maybe this is perfectly normal. I don't know, and frankly I don't care because I'm almost sure that there is no one out there in the real world "completes" me in the way that the fictional person does. But I can't be in love with a dream? Who knows? The "girl for me" doesn't exist, and I should slap myself for thinking that she might. *slaps self* Irrespective of that, I shouldn't need someone else in order to feel "complete." I should be self-sufficient in that way. If I'm not, that would be a rather large weakness, a gaping hold in my defenses which we will need to work on. I'll leave you to ponder this, I'm off to frag countless bots in Quake 3 Arena.

mood

A complete listing of all of Ben's options for 9th - 12th grade.

Please read all the options below, then submit your vote.

Option 1 - Make a logical decision without taking into account emotion attachments or money:

Harker has the best academic courses and to be successful in the future I should go there. Verdict: Harker

Option 2 - With emotional attachments taken into account:

A lot of the people I know are going to Harker. I already have friends in Harker Upper. David, however, wants to go to Mitty or St. Francis. but... Christianity? eww. Verdict: Harker

Option 3: Considering monetary options:

Harker is expensive. Every time we send that check we could have bought three or four fully pimped computer systems (or a 6-speed manual Toyota Matrix XRS in red.... *drools* Lynbrook, the local public school is free, obviously, but their academics suck. Mitty is $9.5k a year, better than Harkers $22k, but I have to put up with "the love of god" for four years. I can tactfully and respectfully ignore the religious lessons, I guess.Verdict: Mitty

Option 4: Sleep for 4 years.

So many slackers and stoners at Lynbrook. Go to Lynbrook and slack off. Plus, Lynbrook is 65% asian, half of which are girls. Verdict: Lynbrook

Option 5: Leave this hellhole behind.

Move to Hawai'i with my dad, who is hardly ever home. Forget my life here and start fresh. Mid-Pacific Institute in Hawai'i is also predominantly asian. Verdict: Mid-Pac, HI

Option 6: Other.

mood: garsch. | music: "Ayla Part 2" - Ayla

All the cute girls have signed up for basketball. My day has been reduced to dark, boring afternoons in Shah Hall accompanied by the likes of Kevin Hwa and occasionally Dawkins. Oh, speaking of Dawkins... This morning when he saw my hair he found a group of asian girls, shoved me in the middle, and yelled, "Hey, look, it's Hobee!" He went on to tell Diane exactly why he thought I had dyed my hair, which prompted her to call me a "freak." She probably went on to tell everyone else why, and so my day was ruined. To top it all off, my spaghetti at lunch was cold. So Dawkins tries to apologise, obviously not realising the magnitude of what he did. I take my futile attempts to impress girls very seriously, and anyone who intentionally screws them up pays a price. I don't know what Dawkins' punishment will be, but I'm going to be nice because he realises it was wrong. Maybe I'll mess with his head a little, nothing tremendous. Maybe if my spaghetti at lunch hadn't cooled off so quicly, I wouldn't be as intent on killing people. Speaking of killing people, I really felt like strangling someone after completely ruining a pop quiz in math. Last night, I threatened to kill the writer of the math book as I was working on the math homework because factoring quadratic trinomials makes me want to smash people over the head with heavy objects. I shall post pictures of the blackened hair soon for all of you who don't see me at school on a daily basis. In a later conversation, I found out that Diane had not only associated my hair color with Howard, but also my sexuality (ie, she thought that I was gay because Kevin was comparing me to Howard, who some people think is gay.) I'm glad I managed to set her straight. *no pun intended*

Hello again everyone. The photo above is not tweaked, it really is that grey outside. I must say that this is ubermuyconfuzzling, the lot of it. how can I like someone I don't know? What is there for me to like if I don't know what there is? My eyesight, as 20/20 as it may be, can not alone judge the worth or personality of a love interest. You don't like someone just because they look nice. Who is "someone"? Lol. I knew you were going to ask that. Actually, there are a few, and I can't make up my mind. However, this is a problem accross the board (ie, that I don't know them very well.) You might think that the attraction is only physical, which isn't true. I know them a little bit and talk to them every so often, but it surprises me that my brain has declared to like them even though it doesn't know them. I have to live with this thing in my head for the rest of my life, and yet I don't understand its decisions by now. I want a self-evolving AI network running on hundreds of linked computers in my garage. It would be called "The Collective", running a custom Linux distro, and it would seek answers to life's persisting questions by researching relevant topics online and making theories. Want, want, want... *sigh*

mood: inherently confused | music: "Heliopolis" - Banco de Gaia

A few people have read yesterday's entry, judging by the hit counter. No one seems inherenty worried that being ignored by girls is going to kill me. In fact, no one even offered me the slightest sympathy. This leads me to the conclusion that this is very common and that I'm making a rather large deal out of it. That being said, I do seem to be the only one that is entirely lacking of daily interaction with these people. Who knows, eh? Maybe they're more into casemodding their P4 (or Athlon, as the case *no pun intended* may be) than I thought. Any thought are as always appreciated.

Here's a little song that I wrote. If you went to Catalina, please sing it to the tune of "The alligator is my friend." I'm not singing, I'm being sung to.

The asian girls are my friends / they can be your friends too / all you have to do is talk to them / and they will hang out with you / ...asian girls... / Asian Girls... / ASIAN GIRLS!!! / can be your friends / can be your friends / can be your friends / too

The asian girls are in my bed / they can be in your bed too / just become asian / and they 'll make love to you / ...asian girls... / Asian Girls... / ASIAN GIRLS!!! / can sleep with you / can sleep with you / can sleep with you / too

I just have to get Akshay to preform it. He's the best at that song. Ok, that's all for tonight.

mood: tortured, destroyed, and rotting. | music: "Target Audience" - Marilyn Manson and "Something in the Way" - Nirvana

Oh dear, now I have to tell you about the Catalina trip? *cracks knuckles* This can take a while. If you don't want to read all of it, here's what it all comes down to:

"Concerning cute girls that ignore me: I can EITHER live within walking distance of them OR work with them all day, but NOT both."

I am just too weak to have them ignore me around the clock. I can stand up to them ignoring me all day at school; I haven't cracked under that yet. But all day, every day? I'm sorry. Doesn't work.

My naturalist, Jen, was really cool. My cabin group was the best ever (thanks guys!) My day group was tolerable. My problem was that I can't seem to talk to all the girls that I may possibly end up liking, simply because I have nothing to talk to them about. I can tell them how to overclock their Pentium 4, how to add horsepower to a Honda Civic, or exactly what happens in season 3, episode 2 of Voyager. Other than that, I'm useless. (Well, I can case mod their Pentium 4 system too ya know.) But the point is, that's useless. They don't want to hear that crap from me, they don't care. Most of them can't tell the difference between a Pentium and an Athlon, nor do they really need to. I don't have anything to discuss with them besides what we did in class today. In fact, class is the only thing I have in common with any of them (ok, and maybe that All-American Rejects song.) Plus, I'm so morbid and pessimistic all the time, I can see why they don't want to talk to me. In fact, I can't understand why any of you would want to talk to me, but hey, that's your thing. So, the question is, if I have nothing in common with them, then why do I like them (or at least see myself liking one of them very soon)? The few of them that do talk to me occasionally out of boredom are usually really nice and considerate, and then there's always that thing with them being really pretty. Having to be invisible to pretty girls all day every day for a weekwas sociopathic torture, and finally on the last day I cracked and had migraines and screamed and took two Advils. I hope I don't die of this before Monday.

mood: happyfulnesses. (ish) | music: "Breathe"- Telepopmuzik

I was bored, so I felt another entry was in order to apprise you off what was going on. I just got done watcing Star Trek: Generations for the second time. As far as coloring my hair goes... I've decided that I want it black permanently. I will dye it upon the return from Catalina. Tiffany Lai thought it looked nice in black, but insisted upon the random placement of brown and blonde "highlights." Regarding my confused expression, she said that she should do my hair. Which reminds me, I would like to extend an invitation to anyone that wants to show up at my house around 6:30 AM on a random weekday with an arsenal of hair products and style my hair any way you like it (styles that would get me kicked out of school not included). Think of it... you want to dye my hair strawberry blonde? Go for it, you just have to get here at 6:30 in the morning. But enough abou tthat for now. As I was heading for the shuttle bus that would take me to Bucknall and stuffing the snack bar's greasy pizza down my throat, Tiffany Lin appeared from the ether stage right. She was facing me, and as I was walking forward, she was going backwards, only she was hopping up and down at the same time too.As if on cue, Josh entered the scene from stage left, walking at an angle to me. Slightly out of breath from jumping, she asks, "Why have you been ignoring me all year?" Between swallowing pieces of pizza, I managed to get out "I'm not ignoring you, you just haven't been in my face all year (and this is the part where I make a brutal mistake) and that's a good thing." Then, Josh's childish sense of when to make dumb comments kicked in, and he said "He's still mad at you, he said so at The Tech." We hadn't discuseed Tiffany at all, not at The Tech or anywhere else. Don't know what hat he drew that crap out of. "I am not." Then she began screaming in a high pitched voice about some other friend of hers that was mad. David, who had been watching from my right at the time, suggested, "Well, maybe he's mad at you because you're jumping up and down in front of him, screaming about something he doesn't care about. You know, just a thought." Somehow they all vanished into the ether again. I shouted a "Seeya, David" behind me and boarded the bus. Of all the randomnesses you people throw at me every day... I'm not going to the next dance. I don't care what you say about having fun, the last one was futile and stupid. Unless, of course, that is, I start liking someone. Then it loses the futility factor and gains the "Don't fuck this up." factor. Until then (which could be very soon, who knows...), I shall be off... Catalina may bring new stories.

mood: thoughtful again | music: "Out There" - DJ Encore feat. Engelina

I don't know why I'm updating. Not much has happened since the last update, which I do say was very juicy. We had an aseembly today where Ms. Gargano gave us a lecture on bullying and harrasment. Nothing new. Except she said that it would keep us from being what we want to be. I was sitting there, listening to this, and laughing inside at how ironic and contradictory this was. An agent of the system, everything we fight against, standing with a microphone, telling us how to run our community and (worst of all) spelling out "who we want to be." You should have seen it, it was taking the term "Harkerian" to a new level (yes, that term exists.) Not only are they telling us how to spend our free time by assigning years of homework, but now they're telling us what we want to be like, and indeed how we should go about spreading rumors and hitting people. I'm all for being peaceful and nice, but coming from them? Ms. Gargano's paycheck is for enforcing the existing rules as well as making up newer, dumber rules. You think she honestly cares whether we wake up every morning and say, "Yep, I'm exactly the person Ms. Gargano thinks I should be?" I swear, these people need a reality shock. Perhaps I should subject them to the kind of shit they feed us. Then they would lighten up.

I think I'm getting closer to figuring out who I like. (scroll down for details) Please note that if I do figure it out, I won't tell you, so don't bother asking.

mood: thoughtful (and very asian today) | music: the sound of basketballs bouncing on the court

The weather is just right today to provoke a new entry, finally, after a long time in the dark with no updates. Not a lost has been up since I last updated. You must be wondering why I today consider myself "very asian." Today I used some of that "ICE" gel with color in it to make my hair black and spiked. It looks really convincing, and has evoked a generally positive response. Why generally? Some people won't let me have any fun at all. They see it and they say, "Well, he's trying to get the asian girls to like him" (or some variant thereof.Psh. I can't even do anything fun or creative or different without someone just smooshing it. I guess fun is illegal around here (at least according to those people.) <-- I realise that I'm contradicting myself in discounting the theory that I'm trying to get the asian girls to notice me when the running joke has been that I have in fact been wanting to be more asian for that very reason. The idea is, instead of exposing my motive and being so cold about it, you can play along and have a little fun with it. The question is now, will the asian girls appreciate my efforts and think me higher, or will they see it as stupid and futile and think of me lower. But enough of that. I'm sitting under a tree, looking out at the basketball courts and Shah field. I just left Room 88, where I flunked or close to flunked a math test. My grades qualify for early re-admission to Harker High (Q1 scoring is closed already), which is probably where I will end up going. Oh, I had said something about the weather... This weather reminds me of the time last year when I started noticing Tiffany around. This weather really brings out the Ben in me. I decided that I should go sit under a tree somewhere and write an entry. I was talking to Jacque recently when she asked me if I liked anyone (she does that every few weeks). I told her that I liked someone, but I couldn't figure out who it was, which Jacque found "extremely odd." It is, to say the least. If anyone knows who I like, please tell me. (<-- sounds deranged, doesn't it?) I'm one of the weirdest people you'll run in to around here. I want to write more, and yet there is nothing more to write about. But there is so much more to write. Maybe if I sit somewhere else, I'll be able to turn into words what more there is. let me flip down the laptop and find somewhere else to sit, then I shall continue. *closes laptop*

*opens laptop* Ok, now I'm on a bench in the Friendship Garden. Let's see. Oh yeah, the whole thing about my wanting attention from the asian girls. I was thinking about it, and the two little voices in my head, Logic and Emotion, argued about it. Logic beat Emotion good. The deal was that Emotion said something like "He wishes that they would take a little interest in what he does, and he's such an interesting person, but they just ignore him. Most everyone just ignores him. He's lonely and wants attention." Logic, at that point, asked "What is the reason for this desire for attention?" Emotion: "He would just like some company from the asian girls." Logic: "There is no evident need for attention from them. All I see in this is a primal emotional drive, which first manifested itself as love. When he followed through with love, he had a bad experience with it, and he eliminated that emotion. In desparation, this neurochemical complex re-manifested itself as lonliness and a desire for attention. No doubt with time and meditation, it too can be eliminated. Emotions unneccesarily consume time and energy" Emotion: "But 'neurochemical complexes' that create emotions are healthy! They should not be eliminated!" Logic: "They are irrelevant and hinder efficiency. For some reason, I don't think that's healthy." Emotion: "but... but... but... hey, what are you - hey, wait, stop, you can't - AAAAHHHHH!! *vanishes in a flash of logic*". Logic: "Another one bites the dust." Didn't I tell you, emotions are dumb and illogical? I'm sure it can re-manifest itself some other way, though. What will it come up with next?

Stupid neuro

mood: empty | music: "The Scientist" - Coldplay

I haven't updated in a few weeks, mostly because there's nothing to write about. Now, however, there has been a figurative "adrenaline spike" as far as what's going on. I read too many beatnik poems online, and they reminded me how wonderful it really was to be in love with someone that loved and trusted you too. FYI, I decided that this year if I should happen to like someone, I would supress it and hope it goes away ASAP. FYIPS, see last year for the reason I don't want to be in love ever again *looks around, hoping to give someone a guilt trip*. The other side of this being that, even if I want to like someone in order to get rid of this emptiness that's plaguing me, I don't like anyone. Technically, that's good because liking someone reduces productivity and efficiency. Not liking someone has in fact set my productivity to almost nominal output, so I'm almost straight-A right now except for math (which will die when my faction rises to power). The gist of this is: not liking someone has been helpful, but at the same time boring and very empty. So I can't decide whether continuing to suppress my emotions is a good or bad thing. My personalities hav ebeen argugin about it for weeks now. However, even in my loveless void of a life, I still have friends, and I'm grateful that they're there. Them along with my family, cats, and computers, are what keeps me from being entirely devoid and lacking of meaning. Speaking of the computers, I took a bunch of pictures of them as well as wrote down all the specs. I successfully overclocked Frankenstein, albeit not very far. Notice that most of the computers I own have sexy curves, and of course frankenstein is sexy in a "bare" kind of way. (You'll get it when you see the pics.) So the prevailing question is... do I accept the way things are, devoid of meaning and lifeless, or do I allow my emotions to break the surface once again and hope that this will bring some form of depth?

mood: happy | music: "Red Pill, Blue Pill" - Junkie XL

The new computer came, which makes me happy. It's fast. The clear parts for Voyager came. Voyager is done, go check it out under Projects. I also ordered another model kit, the USS Reliant, which is supposed to get here before Tuesday. That will get a progress page under Projects which will keep you up to date on the progress. Since it's a movie-era ship, it's going to be lighter colored (cream) than the Voyager. Other than that I'll see you all at school tommorow.

mood: i don't know, really...| music: "Shatner" - Warp 11

HAHAHAHA THE CANTENNA WORKS!!! Ok, I'm done. It's just thgat my grandfather helped me to "scratchbuild" an RPSMA connector. I wasn't able to find one to buy (at least not at that point) so we made one using all of his equipment! Now of course I've found websites that sell RPSMA-N cables for a bit of money. Well, instead of spending my money on a connector, I got a USS Reliant model kit for $20 on eBay (crazy foogling price), which will be at my house shortly. Also, the new computer (My green, neon-lighted, hella-fast P4 monster) will be here "9/11/03 before 4:30 pm", according to FedEx. No tracking data on the model kit yet, but I'm sure that will ship shortly. Robert Oh got a camera-phone today, which he coould potentially use to sell pictures of a specific nature to Kelvin's "database" in real time (think of it! Streaming video!), which is a breakthrough in technology. Why am I telling you about the posessions of myself and those of others? Well, to tell the truth, there's really nothing on the emotional/social front to report on as I normally would. I hope the parts for Voyager arrive soon so that I can finish that... after all, Paypal confirmed transfer of my ten smackaroos to them. Paypal is my new best friend... I find an auction for a model kit that's ending in half an hour, throw a crazy amount on it, then pay for it instantly as I win the auction. Magical, and it gets me my out of production model kits. Fast. I realise that I'm going on about the most random things at this point, but I really have nothing better to do right now. I made a techno remix of the ST: Voyager theme music in Propellerhead Reasonn, which may be available at some point for download.... Until later....

mood: feeling complete | music: "God Put A Smile Upon Your Face" - Coldplay

I just completed a whole bunch of stuff. First of all, I completed my new model workstation out in the garage with fluorescent lighting, a sound system, internet access, and of course cabinets and such to store all of my paint, glue, models, etc. It is indeed a very comfy place to work on my models, and also directly adjacent to the kitchen (and therefore the fridge, which contains all sorts of snackies one might need for mignight model building.) Also, I completed Ambient Cubed, the latest incarnation of the Ambient project, which is my website. The Voyager model would be complete, save for the fact that DLM (people who make clear parts)'s service is below abysmal. It took two weeks to get them to reply to an email, and after I sent them Paypal it took them a week to cash it. They just took their money on Wednesday and I haven't heard anything from them since, but those parts better show up soon. I also completed a new paintjob on my cell phone (which everyone except Kevin Dawkins will fail to appreciate), so expect pictures of that to be up soon. Although this is complete, there are a lot more things out there to be completed. You ain't seen nothin' yet. If anyone else wants me to paint their cell phone, give me your cell (or a spare faceplate) for 1-2 days, as well as pictures of what you want me to paint on it. I'll try my best... Ok, until next time...

mood: stressed | music: "Haemoglobin" - Placebo

School has started. As my older friends had already told me, 8th grade sucks. Sometimes I thought they were exaggerating just a tad sometimes. They weren't exaggerating at all. They were dead fucking serious. However, there is the beautifulness of the Voyager model. The clear parts have been ordered and will ship out some time this week. Then the Voyager model will be complete and it will look muy prettyful. I've seen spoilers of it without the clear parts and it is looking mighty fine. School still sucks, though.

mood: happyful | music: "Intro" - Adam F

I'm finally back from Maine. Updates of Ambient will now continue almost normally. Why only almost? Because the model of Voyager has arrived. The most common updates will be that of the Voyager model progress pages. Other than that I can just say that Maine was fun and I'll see you all at school in a few days.

mood: irrelevant | music: "Evergreen" - Faithless

The "Projects" section just got the update that has been bugging me for ever now. I put up a page detailing the design of my newest model, the Maquis Ship from Star Trek: Voyager. Even if you're not into Star Trek or models, you should check out that page for some Photoshop skillz. Pictures of the Cantenna will be up when I get a reverse-engineered proprietary connector for it (blah on the FCC), and the USS Toyota-C (or whatever I'm going to call it) will be up when that project gets under way, which may not be until I return from Maine. In my intelligence, I forgot to write "Air Mail" on the letter to JK Rowling, so it might take a few weeks to get over to England. Oh, joy. Rick Berman won't get to read my letter until he shows up at the studio on Monday. Still, life is good.

mood: relaxed | music: "Block Rockin' Beats" - The Chemical Brothers

I haven't updated in a while again. Whee. I won't update as of next Friday either, because I'm off to asian-devoid Maine for some summer camp that my parents insist I try. Yay. Speaking of my parents, turns out they had been working on a divorce for quite some time but they hadn't told me. Thanks to my dad's girlfriend for letting me know. Yay again. Not much else to report... oh yeah, expect the return of the projects section as right now I am working on a few very cool projects. I'm working on a Pringles Wi-fi Cantenna, which is near completion and when it is done, it will extend my ireless network to about three miles around my house. You have to know it's there to pick it up, though, it's concealed from all wardrivers (at least, primitive wardrivers that can't find hidden networks). The other project is a pair of Star Trek-esque warp engines which will be spraypainted to match the design of the warp nacelles on the Enterprise-D, and will subsequently be attached to the roof rack of the Federation Starship Toyota Corolla. I don't drive that thing for a few more years, but the sooner it can do warp speed, the better. I also sent two (real, snail-mail) letters: One to J.K. Rowling, and one to Rick Berman (executive producer of Star Trek circa 1980-present). Here are the letters:

July 17, 2003
Rick Berman
c/o Paramount Pictures
5555 Melrose Avenue
Hollywood, California
90038-3197
Dear Mr. Berman,
Recently I was inspired by a site on the internet containing pictures of very nicely painted and lighted models of the Voyager and Enterprise-E. Upon wanting to purchase a model kit for myself, however, I found that these have been out of production for quite some time.
Because I was in Hawai’i at the time, I doubted that any were available there. However, after hours on the phone, I was able to find Voyager’s Kazon and Maquis Ship models. This is a start; however, now that I am back in my home in California, I expect I will be able (with enough phoning and driving) to find models of major ships such as the Voyager, Enterprise-D or E, Defiant, and so on.
However, this is a rather difficult process which required a lot of research. At this point I can only imagine having models of the many great starships of Star Trek hanging from the roof of my room. Word of mouth indicates that the model companies that were contracted to produce these models have not discarded the molds. Therefore, I wonder whether there are any plans to reinstate production of the Star Trek model line.
I realise that the Original Series Enterprise kit is currently in production by Bandai and that an NX-01 model is due out in August, but I urge you to reconsider your discontinuation of other models, as there is still an active community of modelers who scour garage sales, warehouses, and eBay for model kits and then complete these kits with time, dedication, and experience. Perhaps you should have a look at http://www.culttvman.com/trek.html for an example.
Many who watch reruns of The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager would be overjoyed at a reinstated availability of the model kits. Are there plans for a second run?
Sincerely,
Ben Englert
1441 Brookglen Dr.
San Jose, CA
95129
ben.englert@mindspring.com

July 17, 2003

JK Rowling
c/o Bloomsbury Publishing Place
38 Soho Square
London W1V 5DF
England

Dear Ms. Rowling, I recently read your latest book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I must say I liked it much better than your previous works. I found some aspects of the storyline, namely Harry’s relationship with Cho Chang, were not as fully explored as I would have preferred. I do of course realise that this is because encounters pertaining to the relationship were relatively infrequent. Though I found the lack of focus on that topic somewhat disappointing, I understand and respect it as your decision as an author needing to tell a greater story.
Though the environment in which the story takes place is fictional, the characters’ social lives, thoughts, and relationships are very much based in reality. Most young adults scoff at the thought of an adult actually knowing what goes on in their lives. We are plagued by the knowledge that even the most acclaimed fiction and non-fiction writers, psychologists, and parents do not have their facts or, more importantly, perceptions straight about our social lives. Your writing, however, reflects these facts at a level of accuracy I have never before read or heard about in any written work.
This, then, brings me to my question: given that you never were in the position of a teenage boy, and that times and social cultures have changed significantly from previous generations despite relatively little passage of time, how are you able to write in their mindset so accurately? The social dramas in the storyline of Phoenix are very similar to the social lives of modern middle and high school students. I cannot help but wonder how you attained such perfect knowledge of this subject. Could you please enlighten me?On a more personal note, I’m thirteen and I live in San Jose, California. Although I had read all of the other Harry Potter books, I could never call myself a “fan.” In fact, I was planning to neglect purchasing Order of the Phoenix, or at least put it off indefinitely, until my friends told about the aforementioned precision in describing social situations. I definitely think it was worth the read, and I’m glad I took their advice. Please keep up the good work!
Sincerely,

Ben Englert
1441 Brookglen Dr
San Jose, CA
USA 95129-4160
ben.englert@mindspring.com

mood: thoughtful (in a good way) | music: "The Way I Am (Remix)" Eminem feat. Marilyn Manson

I didn't update for a while because summer is a vacation from having to maintain my website. If you're bored, however, I invite you to read back entries. I did so my self and found them to be quite an interesting look at my past self. I still haven't converted all my awesome Reason stuff to MP3, I will do that eventually... I found two rare, ou t-of-production Star Trek: Voyager models (Maquis and Kazon ship), and I have been busy painting and gluing those. I even put lights in the cockpit of the Maquis ship, which took some wiring (and a roll of electrical tape.) There are two lightbulbs inside the bridge area of the Maqius ship which shine out through the clear windows. Each bulb is only 0.25ma. I decided to run the whole affair off AC power rather than batteries. My AC adapter gives 500ma on the circuit. Given that the lighting for the Maquis ship uses all of 0.5ma, I still have 499.5ma left on that circuit. I could light a lot more models off that same AC adapter, which I plan to do. If anyone sees a model from Star Trek: Voyager, let me know ASAP, they are uber-rare and I want them. I could really get into modeling if I wanted to. My next model, after finding and completing all the Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: The Next Generation models (and putting lights in them), I'm going to get a Civic wagon model and put head and tail lights in that. My model collection could become quite impressive. Don't expect another update for a while.

mood: relaxed | music: some streaming house thing on itunes

I love my broadband! If you have a fast inetrnet connection (DSL, Cable, Satellite, Fiber Optic, etc), your parents or whoever pays for the connection should be thanked a million, and believe me, if you don't realise it now, spend a week on dial-up. I just spent a week on 56k dial up in Hawaii, and let me tell you, it's not pretty. I now have Verizon DSL in our Hawaii apartment... ahhhh. Sorry for not updating, but I was in pain at the slowness of 56k. Often it would just drop my connection or the speed would drop beyone acceptability. I wasn't able to get an update up, but now I will be able to upload, as well as be on AIM a lot more. However, in my time of dial-up, I have made many a great pieces of music with reason. I shall be making MP3's soon for your downloading pleasure.

mood: inactive once more | music: XTC Radio on iTunes

Tommorow I'm off to Hawaii... the dreaded day that never came didn't come (duh)...David and I want to make an album of our mad techno+heavy metal+ mixing skills. I don't know what the band's called yet, but I want the CD to be called "The Dreaded Day that never came." I should have plenty of time to update in Hawaii, but we'll see how we are as far as internet connections there. Peace out.

mood: i don't really know | music: "Drain You" - Nirvana

Tommorow would have been that dreaded day. But it seems that that day was not meant to come. And it will never come, now. This is very ironic. Dreaded 6/5/03, but it never came. I mean, tommorow's still June 5, But it's a happy day, the end of school for summer. It's not the dreaded Tiffany's going away 6/5/03. That day won't come. Ah... the summer's going to be so awesome, I'm headed for Hawaii (read: lots of cute asian girls), and then I'm headed for Maine (read: no asians. period.) Tommorow comes, school is over, and I will have one summer without any thought whatsoever. Three months of superficial mindlessness, just floating... whee... summer, come to me...

mood: empty | music: "They Came In" - Butthole Surfers

Ah, time for another update. Finally. Yay. Love has been yanked out from under me like a (insert simile for something that was holding something else together suddenly disappearing). Now I feel empty, like everything there was of me has vanished. My life has once again returned to pointlessness as I struggle to find new meaning. I currently lack a reason to exist, as my reason to exist was taken away from me. So right now, I'm just drifting again... I'm close to achieving detachment once again. That's unless I fall in love again. I mean, look where I got when I decided to temporarily undetach myself. If I fall in love again, I will undetach myself again, but for now, detachment is my best option. Something inside me doesnt' want to detach again because life was so boring and stupid when I was numb to emotions. Detachment means not caring about anything, seeing how nothing really matters, that everything is irrelevant, and that meaning is all in your head. In fact, a lot of things are all in your head. That voice inside me has been silenced for a while (ie since I liked Tiffany) but since I'm over her now, he can come back on full blast, at least for the summer. I'm back to my original state (ie Before December 8th.) So I decided to go out of my way a little for about 24 weeks, and now I'm back... if you scroll, you can read all about those 24 weeks and the many before them. I lack good music, I need to buy/burn/download something I really like. There seems to be plenty of love songs, but not many songs for this state of mind. If you find any, let me know.

The truth has come out, I just don't feel like putting it online in full detail right now. Suffice it to say I've been living a lie.

mood: WTF?? | music: none.

Ah, here it comes. The typical post-dance what-the-hell-happened entry. So she dances almost every slow dance with me. Good. But then, when I try to give her the necklace and I say "wait..." she just walks away. Maybe she didn't hear me, or maybe she just didn't know what was coming... who knows. Also, any non-slow dance time is spent with Andrew Swafford and company. My "consultants" tell me that girls do this deliberately to make their guy friends jealous. I'm prepared to buy that for now. I'm going to sleep now in the hope that while I sleep I will explain this all in my head. Au revoir.

mood: fuck. | "In The Cold Light Of Reason" - Clawfinger

My second-to-last proper day was wasted because she was aloof and decided that her math homework was more imporant than moi. I'll give it to her tommorow, if at all. We'll see what she's acting like tommorow and see if she's deserving of what I plan to give her.

mood: chlorinated | "Let U Go" - ATB Feat. The Wild Strawberries

Looks like I have about a week. Given that"after school" on Finals days is about thirty seconds long, or less, I have two more real days. On one of those days, I have an enlightn'ing party until 4:15. So I only have one real day. Friday. One more real, full day. Then, on Thursday afternoon right after she gets out of grad practice I pretty much have to say my last words to her. I still don't know how I can sum it all up in a few sentences and then give her a hug and just walk away. That's what it's going to look like, I know, but I just can't see it. I'll look at her, say how much fun it was having her around and how much I'm going to miss her, give her a hug and maybe a kiss and then just walk away to my car. What will be going through my head at that moment? What will I be like after that? Will I be able to put it behind me and go on with life? I don't think so. After that, my computer and my cat will be all that I have left in my life, and they will fade also. The meaning of meaning will deteriorate and I will fade into insignificance. I think this is how it is: Once life has had enough of messing with our minds and making us work hard for something, we get to keep that something for a little while, but then life decides to throw us out of the car and leave us sitting on the curb. It pulls the plug on us and leaves us behind. In this case, I'll be stuck thinking about her after she's gone. Left behind by life, which is speeding up into the distance. Everyone says that I'll let go, and that the first time letting go is the hardest. But letting go to me would be like treason, I don't know why. By letting go of her, I would feel like I'm betraying. I know that's stupid, but in this case I've been rather stupid.

mood: thinking of her. only of her. | "The Way I Am" - Eminem feat. Manson

All I've been doing this weekend is thinking about her. I can't stop it, it won't go away. Not sad, bad, evil thoughts of what is coming after the end, but happyfulnessistic thoughts of the days I have share and have left to share with her. So, good weekend inside my head. Outside my mind I haven't really been paying attention to what was going on, but I did play that new game "Enter the Matrix" which was awesome. You can go into bullet time, um, I mean, focus time at the touch of a button. I found Morpheus sunglasses on the net for around three hundred. I should get them for Christmas just to see how they stay on his face. The website described it as an elaborate noseclip. I need to wear it to believe it. If that fails, I want Niobe's sunglasses (if you have not seen Reloaded yet or plan to watch it again soon, make note to observer Niobe's shades. They are very cool.)

mood: whee... | music: "Target Audience (Narcissus Narcosis)" - Marilyn Manson

I just realized that the end f the year is closer than I had though, I wonder how long it really is, I've heard anywhere from 8 to 14 days, and regardless, that's not a hell of a lot. People have siad it's my fault for having an 8th grade grilfriend, but that's just the way it is and I think at the end it will all have been worth it despite her going away at the end of the year. The few days that remain will be golden, will be wonderful, and I'll remember it as that, despite all the pain it's caused me so far. It's all worth it now. Heaven was so far away. I'm not there, but I'm a hell of a lot closer. I definitely think I did a good job for the first time off, neh? I'm off to attend to my wonderful life now... oh, wait, one more thing. Justin talked to me today for the first time in a while and informed me that he had simply given up. This brings out two sides in me, one that's glad he did, and the other feeling guilty for making someone else unhappy by taking the girl they like(d). It is done... such things happen, I'm just owrried that one day I'll be on the receiving end.

mood: ok-ish, i guess... | music: "Tell Me Why [The Riddle] - Paul Van Dyk

I got Dreamweaver MX! I must say, it looks wonderfully OSX-ish. The wonderful thing is, I can see the code and the browser preview at the same time, and I can watch the code evolve as I type the WYSIWYG version in another window. In just a few weeks I will have had the iBook for a year, which is kind of a scary thought.... it seems like it all went by so quickly. Memories of summers past come back to me as innocent, fun, and relaxing. This summer is going to be different, I know, but summer was always kind of a valuable time. Heck, life is a valuable time. Today was a weird day... in the morning I saw Tiffany crying and all day I was worried that it was something I had said/done... When I did eventually get to asking her about it, it turns out that she was just having a very bad day and that I was not at fault. I mean, that's not a good thing, far from it, but I was so worried all day... arr. I keep thinking about next schooyear and what it's going to be like.... I keep imagining different versions of the future and thinking about what might happen next year, and what life will be like without all the 8th graders I know ( I have determined that over half of my friends are 8th graders... this was news to me), and what life will be like without Tiffany, and how similar yet different it shall be. *sigh* The future is unclear.

mood: happy on the surface, dreadful down inside| music: "Tiffany" - Lucky 7

Please don't ask about the music. ARRR! I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK!! But since you did ask... yes, the song applies perfectly in every way (including, in this case, the title! lol) Listen to the lyrics. I will gladly email you the MP3 if you ask for it. Yes, I am happy on the surface because today was a normal day and so forth. Why dreadful down inside? Today is the 20th. How far are we from the 5th? That dreaded day, 6/5? Not very. I have very little time, and even though my dreams come true today, I know that my dreams are going to go away on 6/5. It's a very... strange feeling, certainly nothing I've felt before. Everything else that I can compare to this was just going on hiatus, not going away completely but given the attitude of certain people *cough* parents *cough* toward this relationship, this is going away completely for ever and ever. I doubt anything will ever completely replace this... we shall see, neh? (this must the billionth time I've ended an entry with "we shall see, neh?"... i know it gets annoying because we never turn out seeing anything.)

mood: relaxed, happy | "I need a miracle" - Toca

Ah, Gargano and Niederaur gave me the benefit of the doubt and only gave me one hour. Not suspended or expelled, just an hour. I didn't lose 1-13 days with Tiffany, I lost one Friday afternoon. Not great, but a lot less bad than what could have happened. I've been tired all day even though I slept really well, but whatever... uber short entry today, but I assure you that today was for the most part a very, very good day considering what did happen over what could have happened.

mood: kind of anxious, but peaceful | "Another Day" - DJ Encore

Why am I anxious? I'm anxious that Gargano will believe her teachers/fellow admins over me and that I'm going to get suspended for something that I didn't do. Given my current time constraints, even one more lost afternoon with Tiffany could be a disaster. I sincerely hope that Gargano listens, but given that Garg hates me, she won't listen and will send me on my way for one days, two days, a week... so close to the end of the year, why does she even care? Ok, enough of the "what-if-Garg-suspends-me-because- of-some-screenshot-Niederaur-emailed-her" thing. A lot of people say that sleep is a waste of time. How can they say something like that? Sleep is the one chance I have to get away from it all, to lay in a warm bed and just rest and be peaceful. All of your problems just go away and you leave this mess you call your life behind for a few hours and just sleep... The only thing I've found to get in the way of this restful state of peace is if you dread the next day and you don't want it to come. But other than that, sleeping is one of the most wonderful things there is, and I wish I could get more of it... in the summer, I'm going to sleep a lot. Ok, I need to go post on boards and respond to IMs now, otherwise you would have a longer entry.

mood: what? | music: "Clint Eastwood" - Gorillaz

Whee, life is so fun it stopped me from updating in a while. But now that there's a hitch again, I have to write. Tiffany decided not to let me see her grad picture. If she didn't want anyone to see it, I understand, but her friend were allowed to. And I wasn't. Maybe she only wanted her female friends seeing it? Really I shouldn't care, but my skittish tendencies once again begin to take the upper hand. Sucks for me, neh? I don't have anything better to do... stupid iTunes had Rendezvous sharing on and somehow the stupid computer decided to jump on Harker's network and start sharing my music while I wasn't looking... it knows that it's not supposed to connect to any wireless LAN except my home without asking me first, but it did. Maybe someone changed my settings, maybe the settings file was randomly nuked, who knows... Either way, they're not buying it, they think I deliberately connected and shared my music, or something like that. Oh well fuck Harker. Their asses can go to hell for all I care. I have a show tonight and tommorow night until like 9-something. How joyful, neh? I've been using the word "nuked" a lot lately. I don't know why, it just sounds cool. NUKED!!!

mood: meh, ok i guess.... | music: "The Boyfriend - Male Chorus"

AHHHH! MUSIC FROM PRODUCTION!!! STUCK IN HEAD!! NOT GOOD!! NOT GOOD!! NOT GOOD!! SHNERG!!! I get out of production at 3:30 tommorow, which is good. I like that, that's always fun. Only an hour between the end of the production and the end of Tiff's tutoring. One hour to maybe catch up on the homework I have missed because of the production. One hour to update. One hour to... screw it, I can't concentrate. I think I'm hyper, which is odd, because I was tired at the beginning of the production. Now I'm hyper as I guard my computer from the evil forces of pizza grease and soda. I shall return for another entry maybe sometime this evening.

mood: tired (like, really tired) | music: "Nightmare (Sinister Strings)" - Best of Trance

Argh! I miss a whole week of after schoolness because of the silly production!! Well, actually, I don't... I only miss today and Tuesday. But that's still bad, considering the limitations on time that I'm facing, but still... it's not as bad as I might make it out to be. Just... Wednesday, she has tutoring, Thrusday she likes to hide in Buckley's room, and Fridays always end up being a but of a drag... but still, not terrible. Well, ok, terrible, but not terrible enough to warrant ths kind of racket. I don't think that anything really warrants a racket, but rackets are neccesary sometimes. if only in my head. Dylan is sitting here listening to "Rock is Dead" and yelling to the lyrics... because she has her make-up on from Harmonics, she has a little bit of that Manson look. *makes punk rock sign* ROCK ON!!! I'm typing in a bit of a weird position so my hand is hurting now... over and out. Because of the time I miss from rehersal, I have a lot of homework to florrb with, so I might not update tommorow because of another rehersal, but Wednesday I should has time because Tiff has tutoring until 4:30, so I can update then between make-up homework.

mood: worried, tired | "Talk to Me" DJ Encore feat. Engelina

So I bet you're looking at the top of the page and thinking to yourself "worried? I've never known Ben to be worried about anything!" I know you haven't but I am worried. I'm worried that it's going to end like this. Ok, so we like each other. Great. Are we hanging out? Barely. Maybe 1-2 days in a two-week time period. You know how much all the other couples hang out? Every day, i.e. as much as possible. I know this is bad, but if I had more time then I would be a little less stressed because I would have time to do something about it. But because I'm short on time, I'm really afraid and full of dread of it ending like this, and never taking advantage of this perfect situation. Forever I'll remember it as "we liked each other but avoided/ignored each other." This vexes me constantly, I cry, I wish it would be better so that this will leave me on June 5 as a happy memory. If one of us doesn't come to our senses soon, we're going to remember this with such a stupidity. I'll be kicking myself for ever and ever if I don't so SOMETHING SOON!!! I wish I could call her, but I don't know what I should say... "We don't hang out enough"? Because it's a silent relationship (don't know what that means? Scroll a little.), I can't talk about it because she hasn't told me that she likes me. It's really obvious, but she won't say it, so we can't talk about anything... and sources indicate that she's not the kind of person that's ever going to tell her. I'm starting to get what Chaykin said about her attitude and immaturity. I'm not going to wait and see... I'm going to take action (like I haven't been saying that for months now.) Looking at the past, my skittish tendencies will take the upper hand, and this won't go anywhere. This ties right into my hate for the phrase "could have been" given the context, indicating that something could have happened, something could have been done, if only... please, can I have a time machine so I can go back and change some stuff that I did or didn't do? I know that makes no sense gramatically, but fuck grammar, it's the weekend. Sometimes I just tell myself, "I'm too young for this" or "I don't need this". I try to tell myself that I don't love her, that I don't need her, but I know it's true, that she's all I ever really wanted or worked hard for. I'm doing you a favor by not mentioning the system. Maybe I can have a happy moment or two at the end of year dance... just maybe. Everyone I've talked to this about says that I'll move on, I'll forget, I'll find someone else and be happy. Right now, that seems like the most impossible thing to do. I know this isn't good for me. But it's a trap... regardless if I continue my pursuit or not, it's still bad for me somehow. Maybe there's something I can do. Maybe there's hope. Right now, the gentle glow of my ropelight and the cold, harsh light of the computer are all that I see, and as my new DJ Encore CD resonates through my room, the lyrics of which seem to fit so perfectly is all that I hear and I feel very lonely and hopeless. I hope she'll save me. I hope she'll help me. I hope she'll try to steer our otherwise-doomed relationship in the right direction... and above all, I hope she reads all of these after it's all over, when she's bored during the summer she'll pull up my site and she'll read these things and wish she had known and how that could have made everything so much better... well, that's what the wesbite's here for. And if she is reading this, whether now, or sometime after when it doesn't matter, all I want to say is... I'm sorry that it isn't going / didn't go better. I know there are things I could have done... I just needed more time. I need my sleep. Goodbye.

mood: stagnant | "Open Your Eyes" - DJ Encore feat. Engelina (purchased from iTunes music store - legally!)

I think I know what's going on. She hung out with me for a week (three weeks ago), then started avoiding me so that I would get the message: she doesn't like me anymore. either she's found someone else, or she just decided that I wasn't worth her time, or something... either way, she's losing interest. I've tried, but she always uses the excuse that she wants to be around her "friends". Am I not one of her "friends"? Notice that the root word of boyfriend is friend... Either she wants to be around her friends, or I just can't find her. She's hiding somewhere, like the art room, or the library. Now, usually I would be able to just let go and decide that it didn't matter, but love is different. I still like her as much as I used to, if not more, even though she causes me unneccesary pain. I wish it could just be good for the four weeks I have left, but I'm quessing it's going to end like this... and I'l be depressed all summer, and most of next year remembering how it was too perfect (we liked each other) but that we never took advantage of it. If she still likes me, or if she ever did, I want to talk to her about it so that we can make our last few weeks together enjoyable. But I can't talk to her about it because whenever I'm around her, my friends or her friends are there and it would look really stupid for me to want to "talk to her alone for a few minutes". I just want the truth, I want to know if I'm living an illusion that she likes me, or that she ever did. i don't doubt that she liked me at one point (the dance, duh) but does she still like me or did she decide that I wasn't for her in that one week of goodness? I don't know. I want to, I really do... but then again, if the answer is the worst, I'm going to sink into a deep depression that I might not pull out of for a while. This is bad. I don't know if I'll ever really know what she was thinking... and never, ever finding out to me is a scary idea. I'll call her during the summer, after it's all over, and find out what happened. and what went wrong. and what i did. there's no way to correct that, unless someone has a spare time machine sitting out in the garage... I signed up for an iTunes music store account so that I can legally purchase MP3 music, but my outdated MP3 player won't play Apple's proprietary format... yet another excuse to get an iPod. Until later. --Ben

mood: confused | "mOSCENE" - Marilyn Manson

I don't think this is how it's supposed to work. You only hang out with your girlfriend 1-2 days of 5 days a week? I don't think so. For some reason, I think that other couples hang out more and avoid (or simply ignore) each other less. This isn't how it's supposed to work. Something's very wrong about this, and I'm running out of time to fix it. The moment is not always happy. Give me a break. Andrew says it's always my job to go to her. Can't we agree on a place where we both always are (e.g. Shah Hall, Plaza, Basketball Courts...) and that way I don't have to track her down to be around her. I lack time. The clock is my enemy. Scratch that, the system is my enemy. System, clock, negative response... it's all the system. The status quo. The way things are. *shrugs* I don't know how she wants to work this to her. If anyone dares to suggest that I talk to her about it, you're a goner. Since it's a silent relationship, (i.e. we don't admit that it exists to anyone, especially not each other), we can't talk about it. Other than that, I have no option but to go wherever she goes, which would make me as low as Justin, which I don't want any part of. Other than that, I can just forget about her on the grounds that she ignores/avoids me, but I could never do that, I like her too much. She's pretending that I don't exist, or that I'm not important to her. It remains to be seen, neh? Until tommorow, or whenever I get around to updating next. Au revoir!

mood: happy | music; "Start/Sequence" - Master ZAPP

The iBook is back, and it's up to an 18GB hard drive, which gives new meaning to the term "shitload of MP3s". Today was fun, as all days now are fun. I know it's going to end, and I know it's pointles to pursue it but I do it anyway because I want to enjoy the time I have with her. All the bad feelings can wait until she's actually gone, rather than thinking about that ahead of time. I'm denying myself negative emotions... oh, I'm so mean to myself sometimes. Her parents said we couldn't go out, which to be honest makes me a little mad because to me that comes across as them judging me without knowing me. Without giving me a chance. All the information they were working with was what she told them about me, which I hope was not a hell of a lot. I guess I'm just going to ditch the whole double-date with Andrew and Dylan idea and go see Matrix: Reloaded by myself or with some friends. I hope that it's a good movie to balance out the negativity it will forever be associated with. Maybe I should talk to her about it, but from what I know, it doesn't seem she has a whole lot of manipulational power over her parents, so we'll see where that goes. I think I'm going to get better in the way of updating my site more often now that I have my (other) precious back. I know that my fateful day is less than a month away, but I'm choosing to ignore that for now because I want to enjoy what little good time I have left.

mood: a little tired, but otherwise ex00berant | music: "This is the new sh*t" - Manson

Again, lack of updates... you know, when one has homework to do, albums to pirate, and Star Trek to watch, updates for the website get pushed back a bit. Hopefully when I get the iBook back I can start updating on a more daily basis again, I'm expecting that back tommorow... you know what I've realized? There are people that are behind me who I've completely left in the dust, who made some rather silly comments (I'm thinking Victor, Ying-Teh)... and then there are people that are way ahead of me who tend to make mature comments and impose their standard on me (I'm thinking Jonny, Hayley, Todd, etc...) so I think I've reached acceptable nirvana between the two. I have a girl who I like and (I think) she likes me, and we hang out, etc... so, way ahead of some people... but we're not going out (yet *stares at little box representing May 17 on the calendar*), or making out (yet *eyes calendar again*), or, um...yeah *eyes calendar for 2007*... I think that's pretty good, considering where I was last year *cough cough hopeless cough cough*. Today when I sent my mom a text message I actually used the little "*" thing, in the form "*guilty*" and my mom understood. I think sometimes I'm rather short sighted when I fail to appreciate all my mother (and father, come to think of it) has done for me because of something they won't let me have or do. ASAP I'm going to update the links to link to other sites like this... would you believe that my site has inspired no less than three people to blog? I'm sp proud of myself, I never knew I would be such a leader. Then again, I have to thank Lily for inspiring me to make this site. Life is happy for now... the system haunts my thoughts. All of the work, all of the though, all of the caring, all of the love that the system will ruthlessly tear from my arms enrages me. The system does not relent. It will not have mercy. It will not hear me out, it will not hear me out. Even though I could change the automated part of the system (the computers), the system is set so deeply in all their minds... it's sad, they can't be swayed, awaken, or enlightened as I have been. I will fight, however futile it is... the journey is the reward, after all, and I may be triumphant, if only in a compromise sort of a way. I had an idea... I can post the whole story of this on the web after it's all over so that the unenlightened ones can know what the hell I'm talking about. Use everything more extensively, it seems integrated.

mood: tired-ish | music: "In a little while" - Uncle Cracker

Sorry I haven't updated in so long....I have been busy integrating one of my computers into our home entertainment setup so that I can watch downloaded Star Trek episodes on the TV and hear MP3s on the living room stereo... pretty cool, neh? This week has been a bad week anyway... it's like last week (where we went/did everywhere/everything together after school) never happened, and we're back to avoiding/ignoring each other. I'm going to get this figured out... I asked her to see Matrix 2 with me, but I still need to buy tickets off the net... Fandango is my friend. I'm going to Fry's now to pick up assorted cables and controller cards to complete my computer-integrated-home-theater-stereo-tv-thing-stuff, and after that I'll be getting all sorts of mounting brackets and screws to integrate the computer-integrated-home-theater-stereo-tv-thing-stuff with the furniture. Ah, so profound. computer-integrated-home-theater-stereo-tv-thing-stuff... has a nice ring to it, neh? Next week will be a better week, and hopefully will only a part of that goodness be attributed to the presence of the newly-counstructed computer-integrated-home-theater-stereo-tv-thing-stuff... the rest should hopefully be attributed to Tiffany. We shall see, neh? Ok, off to listen to/watch the computer-integrated-home-theater-stereo-tv-thing-stuff.

mood: AGH!!! FUCK!!! | "Lithium" - Nirvana

Psh... I'm just going to give you song lyrics rather than write anything. So, here are the lyrics for Nirvana's Lithium. (they don't apply perfectly, but close enough...) I'm so happy /

Cause today Ifound my friends /

They're in my head /

I'm so ugly /

But that's ok, 'cause so are you /

We've broke our mirrors /

Sunday morning /

Is everyday for all I care /

And I'm not scared /

Light my candles /

In a daze 'cause I've found god /

Yeah he he yeah /

I'm so lonely and /

That's ok, I shaved my head /

And I'm not sad /

And just maybe /

I'm to blame for all I've heard /

And I'm not sure /

I'm so excited /

I can't wait to meet you there /

And I dont' care /

I'm so horny but /

That's ok, my will is good /

Yeah he he yeah /

I like it /

I'm not gonna crack /

I miss you /

I'm not coming back /

I love you /

I'm not gonna crack /

I killed you /

I'm not coming back /

I like it /

I'm not gonna crack /

I miss you /

I'm not coming back/

I love you /

I'm not gonna crack /

I killed you /

I'm not coming back

mood: neh... (again)|"Stan" - Eminem

I don't really have much to say... my iBook is fucked over once more (hard drive making weeeird noises) so it's going to Texas for the third time to become unfuckified. umm... anything else would pretty much be a repeat of things I've said before, so that would be useless... I guess I must be boring to you readers now because I no longer have much of a struggle to write about... but that's ok, wait until the summer. There should be plenty of time and plenty of things to write about. Was this entry dissapointing? Sorry... nothing happened today because my mom was smooth enough to pick me up at 4:30 instead of my beloved 5:15, robbing me of all my time with... anyway, sorry about the dissapointing entry. I blame lack of material.

mood: neh... | "Somewhere I belong" - Linkin Park

Sorry about the last entry. I really didn't mean any disrespect towards depressed people. On the contrary, depressed people are cool. If you didn't know already, up where it says music (next to mood)... that's the music I'm listening to while I'm writing. It is also, however, an indirect command for you to download that song because I am listening to it and I know what I'm doing when it comes to music. At least if you're my age and in my situation (rather, the situation I was in up until about three weeks ago), you'll enjoy the music. The situation I'm in now is too happy for music to describe, because most songs either have sad lyrics, they sound pseudosad, or both. Even if they're happy songs, there's no music I listen to that makes me feel happy... ok, well, there is, but... psh, forget what I just said. There is music to describe the state I'm in, I'm sure, I just don't know what it is so I haven't been able to download it, so I'm still listening to music about my past self. Not very healthy, so I've cut back on that music and have been listening to music about completely unrelated things. The revalation that hit me hasn't hit my musical tastes yet. It's all yet to come.

mood: very happy and rather insightful | "God is a Girl" - Groove Coverage

I just realized that all those people who are depressed must be hallucinating... Life is an utter joy, and there are so many little ( and a few big) things that can bring hapiness into your life. Today I rode my Razor scooter off into the sunset while singing loudly to my MP3 player. Everyone who saw me working in their yard, or in their car, or whatever, looked at me like I was completely out of my mind, which I am, so that works out nicely. I don't know why people are depressed for no reason, or sad, or they think life has no point... the point is to make your own point, f00! Ok, so I know life isn't perfect, but I find hapiness in many things. I wish I were always as happy as I have been this week, but this week has been an uber happy week so I'm happy. Still, I think you people should load up your MP3 (or CD, or Casette, or Portable Vinyl) players with music that you want to sing to, jump on your scooter (bike, roller blades, car if you have one, whatever) and go really fast in the last hours of sun (around 6-ish) and sing really, really loud. When people look at you, just smile at them and keep going and singing. If people look at you like you're out of your mind, that's because you are.

mood: * loud, evil laugh* | music: "Zombie Nation" - random techno off Jeff's MP3 player

So it didn't end up being the last entry for today. I've been updating a lot lately. It's not so much that I have a hell of a lot to say, it's just I've had a lot of dead time to fill. This afternoon wasn't so bad after all. Tiff got out of tutoring at 4:30, and we hung out in Shah for half an hour until she had to go. We watched some Animatrix episodes together, it wasn't all bad. Hazard and Keilty didn't seem to care that we were watching movies on my laptop either, which was neato considering Keilty's usually the first one to kill me if I'm playing music during Extra Help. My new word for the last few days was saying "hell of" really fast, twice. That made "hella hella", usually used with "the world studies test was hella hella easy." You say it really fast. I've also been saying "drat" to some extent. I'm going to leave open the debate on where that came from. *grin* but I'm sure you can guess... Tommorow is going to be mucho funno. Lots of extra help time overlapping with 8th grade lunch, and then completely free time after school, to do who *clears throat, corrects self*, I mean what, I want to do. I just cracked up after I wrote that because that was one of the best jokes I've made today. Oh, did I tell you the math class story?

*clears throat* this deserves its own paragraph. In math class, we were talking about drooling (of all random things), and I asked Kat, "Don't you ever drool over something you really, really want like a fast car or an awesome computer?" and she said, "drool over cars and computers?", so I tried, "or... clothes, or... jewels, or... whatever girls really want.". Todd joins our conversation, reminding me that "you should know what girls want now that you have a girlfriend". You really had to be there, but I think Todd just didn't realize what he had just done. He had made that statement very loudly. A tremor of silence swooped across all the people in the math class as everyone turned to look at me. I didn't really notice, I just kept doing my homework and made some offbeat comment about how I couldn't be expected to read her mind. At some point, after thirty seconds of silence, someone stuttered "...bbb..bbb..bbBen has a ggg...ggg...girlfriend?" in a tone of voice that told me the concept of my having a girlfriend was really hard for them to get around. "www...ww....wwwho is it?". At that point miniconversations about me began to develop all across the room about who it might be, until one intelligent individual said, "It's Tiffany... Tiffany L-something." Immediately, the crowed turned back to me and began puncturing me with guesses as far as all the 7th grade Tiffany. Some other random person said it was an 8th grader, at which point Kathryn could no longer contain herself and she burst out, "It's Tiffany LIN!!!" in such a high pitched sqeal that my skull almost shattered. Again, the room fell silent as I turned, slowly and dramatically, to give Kathryn the death glare to end all death glares. As if on cue, Dr. O finally noticed something was up and said, "Enough of this. Back to work." Now the only question is... is it Todd's fault for getting the whole class on the subject, Kathryn's for yelping out the name, or my fault for talking about what girls want in the first place? One thing's for sure though. Drooling is bad.

mood: oh, give me a break | music: none

There is a good chance that this will not be today's last entry. I'm bored, and I have nothing better to do so I'll be updating. There's really not much that you need to become up to date on, but that's not your fault... not mine here, my sole purpose is not to make news that will be discussed on my website. I wish I had had something other than Tiffany('s awesomeness) to talk about in the last few weeks, but I haven't been feeling particularly poetic or analytical, so website entres have been less poetic and analytical. I'm lost for words... I really don't have much to say right now. This is an evil afternoon cominh up because Tiff has an evil tutoring thinger, so I'll have nothing good to do... which may lead me to update some more. Until then, I bid the farewell.

mood: nostalgic | music: "Run (UK Extended Mix}" - Carl Cox

I know this will be the third time I've updated my website today, but that's ok... I really wish I would do this every day. Ever noticed how certain songs remind you of people, places, or times in your life? I have a few here for you. Sheryl Crow's "Lucky Kid" and "Steve McQueen" remind me of the Japan trip... that was one of the best times of my life. "Love Shack" reminds me of the week or two after I had gotten the iBook and what joy that gave me. Eminem and Obie's "Drips" reminds me of that time in September - November of last year where nothing was happening and I decided to begin work on Ambient, which I am now very proud of. "A Moment Like This" - Kelly Clarkson and "Beautiful" - Christina remind me of dancing with Tiffany two weeks ago. "Pretty Fly For a Rabbi" - Weird Al reminds me of the time when I had my old Power Mac and life seemed so innocent and happy... remember 5th and 6th grades? Those were the days. "Home" by Chakra will always remind me of times when I felt lonely or ignored or hopeless. I have a few that are going to remind me of times that haven't happened yet. For example, visions of right as I watch Tiffany leave Harker for the last time will be brought on by "Missing" - Everything But The Girl and "All The Things She Said" by tAtU. I think that's pretty cool that music can bring back vivid imagery, trigger emotions, and give you the real "feeling" of a time and place in your past. It's not always happy, but I think it's really neat... sometimes, when there's nothing for me here in the present, I listen to such music to bring back visions of my past or see the future as I envision it.

mood: AGH!! | music: "It's Only Love" - Sheryl Crow

AGH!!! I was going for another good afternoon, and then along comes Rachel and Diane to take her away from me at like 3:50!! Silly, silly, silly. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I spent an afternoon on boredom and stupidity. I didn't do homework or anything, I did just about nothing. It was a prodigial waste of time. It was one of those times where I really, really needed a helicopter so I could go home. Tommorow she has tutoring until like 4:30, so the next chance we have to hang out isn't until Thursday! Considering it's Tuesday night, that's a bad thing... Yrrg.

mood: idle | music: "Fuck The System" - System of a down

it's about 3:21 and I'm about to go to the after school hangout of my choice in order to spend time with friends. I downloaded two more anime episodes off the Matrix website so I can watch those with people and do whatever... I really have no thoughts, just hoping for a positive experience this afternoon. Wish me luck as I fade into the nothingness of the universe...

mood: insightful | music: "Think" - Funkstorung feat. Greenwood.

I recently found out how badly I misjudged someone. At first I felt rather idiotic and ashamed about it, but as I analysed deeper I figured something out. I had known her previously only through a one-way stream of information, namely that she did the announcements on Mondays and Wednesdays (this is Vyvy, for those of you that know her). To think how badly I misjudged her, I can only wonder how badly I misjudge people who I will only ever know one-way like people on the radio, television, or whatever. In this case, I could talk to her, which I did after she got my screen name and went through my profile to this website, but for people on TV and radio and whatever not, I can't really get into contact with them, at least not to the point where I can cease to be misjudging. And if one misjudgement made me feel so ashamed, imagine how ashamed I would feel if I personally got to know all of the people that come to me one way.

mood: argh... frustrated | music: "Welcome to India" - Luda Krishna and Vikram MC

I was scrolling through this file for the first time in a while and I noticed something. The entry on the day after I started liking her is deleted "due to uber incriminating shtuff." I wish I still had that... but it's lost into the nothingness of cyberspace and I won't ever have it... I won't have any record of myself then. Maybe in a way that's a good thing because soon I won't want to remember myself then. I won't want to remember any of this, and I'll just listen to happy-go-lucky sounding rock music and pretend like nothing is wrong... that works.

mood: not tired | music: none, really

Tiff's mom won't let her go to the party, so I'm back to photo boy for a night, it seems. That's ok, I have webspace and camera batteries to burn. I mean, it would be really perfect to have a non-school dance where one can make out (among other things) but again, the system has got me. All parents, BTW, are allied with the system. The last time I triumphed over the system was at the dance. Fuck no, I've never triumphed over the system because the system, quite simply, is the status quo, the way things are, and that involves everyone and everything. I can't control it because... in a way... I'm part of it. And it hates me. It wants me down, it wants me quiet, it wants me away. It's not getting any of that. I am so far doing an OK job of defeating the system, and it's only OK and not great because of things in my own mind such as fear, paranoia, and other shitfulness. I sure wonder why I bother sometimes, but... It's because I love her. I won't start quoting song lyrics on you, don't worry, but... She's so lovable, and I love her.

mood: pseudosubrealistic | music: "Don't Trust Anyone" - Front Line Assembly

Today is a rainy day, and rainy days always seem so much longer and worse than sunny days. I love rainy days because they look so cool though. I did get around to put the dance pictures up, so that link is up under Pics. I did put up the picture, but... agh. Y'all can go look at it... She can't make Farrah's party, but I'll go talk that out of her this afternoon. Maybe. Random people have been looking at my site lately, getting the URL from people like Chaykin and Vyvy. Oh well... I don't care, this site is here for everyone... This is my second entry for today, in case you hadn't noticed... I'm getting done with all the updates I missed. Why does the system always have to work against me? Why doesn't it let me have what I really, really want just once? Just this once, the system can be good to me, and then it can start working against me again... just don't make her go away at the end of June... don't... let... her... leave... stupid... system... thing.... stuff....

mood: agh. | music: "The Matrix Theme" ATB vs. Alice Deejay

I'm soon going to update the pictures of my room, as the way it is set up is a little different. I got a new leather recliner in place of the bean bag, and now the room is lit by my tube light rather than the overhead light, which I have unplugged. Also, my new speakers have a little blue light in them that makes the whole deal look uber-cool, not to mention my beloved iBook standing on my new, huge desk. The room got a bit of an overhaul. As far as Tiffany goes, latest word is that she can't make Farrah's party, so I'm just going to be doing pictures, I guess... If by some genius stroke of luck, she is able to make it to the party, the camera will once again be ditched, but I already plugged in the camera's battery pack to charge in case the latest verdict holds true. Farrah had the genius idea of me picking her up, but I think she's not able to make it because she has other stuff to do, not because her parents won't drive her there. It would have been so perfect to have two dances less than a week apart, but life wouldn't let me have that much juicy goodness. No, life still hates me. I knew it was going to do this to me... *shrug* Oh well, I guess Farrah will want someone to be taking pictures. If only, if only... I also haven't gotten around to putting up pictures from the dance last week because there seems to be no demand for them... the few good pictures (except that one of me and Tiff) have been emailed around, so everyone prettty much has what they want. I need to print the one of me on photo paper and throw it in that frame on my desk...I need to edit out the little date thinger, "APR 11 2003", in the bottom that stupid Sony cameras have a habit of tacking onto the picture. I haven't been updating too much lately, but that's because I've had other stuff to do. *slams head on keyboard* The system still hates me. It still takes almost every opportunity against me. That's only going to get worse with... argh, never mind.

mood: mixed (on a turntable!) | music: "Phatt Bass" - Blade Rave I don't belive how stupid I can be sometimes. Scroll down a little. I'm not her boyfriend yet, but I think I'm pretty close. We're pretty good friends now. Of course, there's many more pictures and stories to see and tell, but now now, for I am putting off homework. Soon, I'm going to list all the people who helped me get to where I am today. I would do it now, but I do really have to go and do my infernal homework. *sigh* Blasted teachers.

mood: Happyful | music: "A Moment Like This" - Kelly Clarkson

If you saw us dancing at the dance, you know about this. Otherwise, let me describe it to you. There'a a wonderful feeling when you're dancing with someone in the normal fashion and suddenly they pull you into an all-out hug, in this case one lasting for all three and a half minutes of a song. You can feel them breathing, you can feel their heart beating in their chest, and you feel that they want to hold you even closer. With that in mind, know that the dance last night was deemed the deciding moment, and you better believe it was. She asked me to dance first! I didn't expect that, but then again there is reason to believe that Chaykin (Spark Boy) had something to do with it. Not that there's a problem with that or anything, just... As for Justin, I admit to feeling a little sorry for him because it seemed like she was ignoring him when he asked her to dance. He has my sympathy. Farrah took a picture, but that picture's never going to be seen by anyone except me and her. In other news, I also took my first hit of Rammstein at the dance, with Du Hast. They also played one of the songs I hate the most, In Da Club by 50 Cent. *shrug* I can ignore it, I had better things to think about. The songs we slow-danced to were A Moment Like This by Kelly Clarkson, of which I find the lyrics were very appropriate. The other slow dance was I Don't Know Why by Norah Jones (Grammy girl) and Beautiful by... Madonna, I think? Not sure.

mood: sick and fucking tired | music: none

New plan of action was murdered. Why? One word. One word spat out with resentful, disgusted hate. JUSTIN. *shakes head in disgust*. She claims to like me, but when I ask her if she likes me, "you don't get an answer." Obviously, if she did like me, she'd care about me, and want me to know that she likes me because that would put me out of a considerable amount of pain. Since "(I) don't get an answer", the assumption is that she was too polite to throw a "no" in my face. She likes Justin. She claims to think he is ugly, but in reality, she likes him and not me. Actions speak louder than words.

mood: tired | music: "Bring me to life" - Evanescence

Moved back into the house after we had the carpet ripped out. I re-did my desk so I have a ton of free space on the desk. I also have THE FRAME out by the mouse pad. If you don't know the story of THE FRAME, scroll down a little. You might come across a few more interesting things. No matter how much I try, the new layouts for my site look like crap. They suck!! They look absoloutely junky. Oh well, I guess this layout will stay up until the summer when I have time to make a really good one. On Monday, I get to see her again. Finally, my two weeks are over. New plan of action or you all who are in on it is coming up on Monday too. Until then, later... *image fades*

mood: *shrug* | music: "Out of Control" - The Chemical Brothers

That day. I know it is coming. That day in June when all the life in me will be sucked out by this strange force called love. That day, June 5, when everything I've worked so hard for and spent so much time one will all be nixed. It'll be like it never happened. All my efforts will have been useless. It will just dissapear into the corner of life from which it came. When that day has come and gone, I don't know what I'll do. I recently set myself upon the task of hacking my way onto the 9th grade class list of wherever she's going. However, people still have conciousness. They don't just go by what their computers tell them. That's a shame, because I can make their computers tell them pretty much anything and if they would just go by it, life would be so much better. The Day. It's coming fast. I dread that day and I will give anything not to make it come. But it has to come. It's inevitable. Always the system is working against me. Always. The system hates me.

mood: busy | music: "Rapture (Tastes So Sweet)" - Iio I'm working very hard on a new layout for the site. While not as flashy as this one, I actually like it better. I'm back from Grand Canyon, and I hope to have the new layout up soon.

mood: guess. | music: sad-sounding minor guitar chords

No updates from Grand Canyon, that's for sure. So, another week in the dark. *shrug* I'm takinga break from life and to be honest, I could really use a break from life right now. No one seems to care about me anymore. No one listens anymore. Kathryn used to listen, but she's getting sick of my problems, which I understand... she has her own life to deal with. I'm just here, alone with my problems and short on ideas as far as solving these problems. Most of these problems I can't solve becuase it's someone else who can solve it or it's something that no one can change. I used to want to be alone with my problems and have no one bother what went on inside my head, but now that I'm there I realise how important it is to have someone who listens to you. I guess while you have it it's annoying, but when you don't have it you find out how much of a neccesity it is.

mood: a little tired, but mostly just bored | music: "Grammy Winners" - Funkstorung feat. Triple H

I spent the better part of today packing up everything in my house as we prepare to move out of my house for two weeks while the carpet is ripped out and replaced by hard wood floor. I'm getting a new desk in the process, and hopefully throwing away a lot of old junk that I don't need. Either way, the apartment I'm moving into promises to have broadband net on or before the 27th. If they even get it up by then (which they should, it takes all of 10 minutes to set up once the wiring is in, which it is) I'll be ok, but if they don't, well... I'll have dial-up pride for 2-3 weeks. One of those weeks I will be in Grand Canyon, where all I will have is my-mom-is-such-a-bitch-she-won't-let-me-bring-my-laptop -on-a-fucking-school-trip pride. So, um... spotty coverage as far as updates in the next... month, tops. I have completed packing up all my belongings, and now I just have to make my way through boredom in my minimalistic room for the next 24 hours. Maybe I should always have my room be this minimalistic, and just use the iBook instead of.. like... two laptops and a desktop. Yeah, well, when I move back in in 2-3 weeks I'll do some "paraphanelia restructuring" (ooh, I love that word.) so that my room looks as bare and beautiful as it is now.

mood: help. | music - "The Fight Song" - Manson

As usual, nothing happened. Dead as the dead sea, which doesn't work because it makes me sound like some stuck up metaphor English-teacher bitch. I'm surprised why so many times I catch myself sounding like that, it's... I dunno, it signals a change in who I am? Too damn poetic, not realistic enough. And you're sitting there, listening to myself bitch about who I am, and you haven't gotten up and run away yet. Such bitchfullness... Am I getting sick of myself? That could be the case, but... that's going to have to be put on hold for a while, because another personality revamp after only... half a year would be out of my mind. People are used to me and I can only change myself and have people assume it happened over the summer. That's the only way I can pull off anything remotely change-looking. Now that I write about it, I don't even want to anymore, it just sounds like too much work. I can't be bothered, life is in the way.

mood: Paranoid? Desperate (in a "pressed for time" kind of way) | music: Sandstorm - Darude

Again, I havent updated in a while. I'm sorry, I have homework to do and girls to stalk. Well, actually, I have to help other people stalk gilrs. o.O Anyway, life has c onsumed me away form the computer... wow, I remember when I was 7 and I did all sorts of shit on an ancient PowerMac 7100 and a 14.4k modem. Now I have an iBook with a dedicated, constant, all-digital uplink to the internet and all I really do is work on my webpage, use AIM, play MP3s, type homework, hack... all that. Well, I guess I still do alot on the computer years later, just... I'm past my experimental phase in seeing what the computer can do, I'm using it for how its capabilities can enrich my life. Wow, I just pulled a paragraph about my affirmations with the computer. *scrolls* Everything else has been about girls. It looks like I'm thinking like I did two years ago. Not going to last for long, I promise. I'll try and get back how I used to think (e.g. yesterday, the day before...) ASAP. I just found a picture of the 7100 and stared at it for a few minutes, remembering how innocent and lightly taken life was back then. Sometimes I wish I could keep living that way for ever, other times I see that this lifestyle has its advantages too. I remember a song I once heard... I think I still have the CD somewhere. "Longing for the innocence / of times gone by". Not me, I guess... I will make it through the distance. The effort may be in vain, though. "The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of a fast approaching train". If you cannot interpret this, IM me and I'll clear things up for you. Until next time, stay tuned.

mood: *raspberry* | music: "Natural Blues" - Gatecrasher

Sorry I didn't update the site for like... umm... three days, but... here goes. I don't really have so much to say... but there is so much to say, I just can't say it. And all that for no reason whatsoever. Because though there is so much to say, life consumes me until I can say nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing. What a waste too. In other news, I've been helping David a lot with his website, which he plans to release at 12:00 midnight on Sunday at an undisclosed URL. He is, once again, bugging me with help for his stupid HTML... I tell him to get a WYSIWYG like Dreamweaver, but he insisit he wants to learn the coding. Ok, David...

mood: very worried | "Universal Nation" - Gatecrasher

She said she would go out with me if her parents were ok with it. That was Friday. Now it's Tuesday, and I haven't talked to her since. At all. She also thinks I'm mad at her because I became slightly irritated about the fact that she was never online (or she blocked me). Now I'm home. She's fulfilling her Preforming Arts Requirement every day this week after school, so all my time after school is useless. I have to find her during the day (read: when each of us is tailed by our respective entourage of friends) and tell her that I'm not mad and see what her mom thinks of going out. So much to do, so little time. If she would apporach me it would be so much easier. So much easier for me, but harder for her. So it's my job. My job. Tommorow. Crap, I feel I'm going crazy. Again. Over a little thing like her. For goodness sake, why the fuck do I even bother? Love is one of the strangest things I've come across over the years. I hope this doesn't crash and burn like... wait, there was no last time. The first time. "*beep* This is your captain speaking. Buckle your seatbelts. We're in for one hell of a ride." Stay Tuned. *Ben fades from the screen*

mood: satisfied :-p | music: "Digital Love" - Daft Punk

Ok, so Justin likes her and is obessed with her. Not as badly, but he's still considered a threat. He doesn't have AIM so I can't mess with him that much (pretend to be other people, get his password) but at least I've established a state of temporary peace with him. That's good. I had to go in and ask Vyvy for Josh. She's pretty fiesty, even to people who she doesn't know like me. I'm surprised so many people like her. Oh well, her problem. I have this bad feeling that I left a bad impression on Justin, which he may propagate to Tiff. That's ok, I can get the damage control team ready at any moment, but I need to brush up on my reputation in his eyes. I got spacers for my upcoming braces today, which are going to be put in next weekend. *sigh*. braces. I'll live, I guess. Bloody lovely. I witnessed a group reading of my site... too bad the site doesn't count how many eyes are looking at the screen. I am once again glad to have myself back, I don't know why I keep saying that but I read a poem that represents my state for the past few weeks while reviewing stuff for the literary magazine today. When that magazine gets published, I hope everyone can read it and know how I felt... This entry was forced out of me, it didn't flow out like last Friday's. People bugged me to update because they had been checking it all weekend for an update. Sorry guys, doesn't work. You have to bug me during the weekend, preferably wasting my precious few cell phone minutes to tell me that the stupid website needs an update! I guess I'll see you back here tommorow and the next day for more pieces of my soul.

mood: happy, i guess... if it works out... | "I'm Gonna Get You (Why Waste Your Time)" - Bizzare Inc.

Well, my friends went and asked her out for me. I was too hesitant, and they had the strength to just go and do it for me. I mean, I could say that they flubbed it, but she said yes, she just needs parental clearance. As do I. This is the hardest part coming up, but I can handle it. My mom's cool, she'll live through it. While we were in the library, I also made up a test for a teacher and checked out a new book, Catch-22. I don't know how it's going to be, but Max reccomends it, and Max reccomended Breakfast Club, so I'm open to more suggestions from him. I've been doing a lot of happy dances and dropped immature comments about my upcoming relationships. But now, that time is over and this is serious. That is, if you can call love serious. Which I really can't do. Point is I have to stop being silly about it. Easy for me to do, but I find it signals a transition. Wow. All that just flew out of my fingers without me even thinking about it. I can't really think right now, so my fingers just typed. I didn't take any long breaks to stare at the blinking cursor or anything, it just flowed right out of me into the HTML editor window. Since she's agreed to try and go out with me, I feel... whole again. If you scroll, you can see that for a few weeks I was empty with nothing but her. Now I think my whole self just came back to me in a moment that I can not explain or attempt to comprehend. I am thankful to have myself back... I missed myself during those weeks of stalking and emptyness. Now I'm back. The website should start looking up because I see at least a week of happiness ahead. Wednesday was awesome and now Friday to round it out.

mood: somewhat confuzzled | music: "End the Game" - Disturbed

Hi. I'm here. I exist. No, seriously. I do really exist. I am not a figment of your imagination. I really exist, and I'm right here waiting for you to ask me out. So any day now would be good. I don't know what to say, really. A lot has come forth today. If you scroll a little, you'll notice that nothing depressed has been written for weeks. Weeks! If you know which girl I'm in love with, or you are that girl, well... Thankyou! You've helped me not be depressed for like, weeks! That's good. Apologies for uber-short and information-free entry, I have other stuff to do (read: evil planning.)

mood: entranced (it's Wednesday, what do you want here?) | music: "Disposable Teens" - Manson

In case you're wondering, it's Wednesday. That just means I'm completely free to do whatever I want after school, which often leaves me entranced. So there's that. Anyway... *pauses* ... Shit, I knew this would happen. There's nothing left in me to write out. Excep her. She's all there's left in me. I mean, there's all sorts of crap that I want to write but I can't because then my mom (who does occasionally read this) would disrupt the delicate seventh grade social flow. Hell, whatever. She can know, and if she asks I'll just tell her that it's my life to deal with. With that said, I can continue to proclaim my love to a certain girl without having to worry about my mom's word making me self-concious or embarrased. If she wants to talk about it, sure. But no comments to others, please. If I need explain this any further, please contact me either through the internet, the worldwide telephone network, or simply pull me over in real life if that's at all possible. I quote Distrubed's song, "Down With The Sickness". "I see you're having trouble/ In dealing with these changes / these changes / so come on/ get Down with the Sickness!" My mom should be down with me liking a girl as more than a friend. She realises (that's the Britsh spelling) that I'm changing, and I'm pretty sure she's cool. I don't know how she'll react to the first date (Coming Soon! I hope.), but she can handle it with a little explaining. There's a wonderful book at Harker's library. Some parts of it are something they shouldn't have, (diagrams of genitalia) but there is one wonderful page... number 36, I believe. Labeled "What Girls Look For", it is one of the most useful things the school has given me. I should photocopy it some time, or scan it. And make it my desktop background. My bus ride is coming to an end... Look for the next entry to be a little more of a love poem and a little less of an explaining to parental power.

mood: rather bored... | music "Let you go" - ATB

I apologize for the lack of updates all week, but the week's first and only entry pretty much sums up everything that I did.. however, you should apologize for the lack of visits to my website. Oh well... enjoying my new speakers... sigh. Been doing a lot of stuff in reason, have very little webspace to post the MP3's though. Between that last sentence and the B at the beginning of this sentence, I spent like two minutes staring at the screen. Not one thing on the screen, just its Ambient glow. I sit in my room, looking across the floor at my mirror. The only light is from the monitor, a pale but steady light (not flickering like a TV). My eyes wander up onto the desk and I see it. The Post-It note. That she wrote. With her SN and her email. Damn, why does its constant presence make me feel so lonely? I don't know if people actually read this stuff here. For some reason I'm under the illusion that this is somehow personal and that people will respect that... it's out on the internet for everyone to see and talk about and use against me... but for reason, that doesn't make me feel bad about posting here. I know everyone can read it, including people I write about and people that talk to the people I write about, as well as people I never write about. Sigh. I hope that this site will serve some purpose in an upcoming social fiasco... maybe.

mood: improving | music: "Days Go By" - Dirty Vegas

My cough is practically gone... And I have a week off of school here to sit around and do nothing. Well, not really.... more like sit around and wait for her to get online. See what I'm talking about? I'm completely blank, except for thinking about her. See what I'm talking about? She drains everything from me, so all that's left in me is her. Nothing else to say, think about, or do about. Like I said, I don't know if it's healthy. My favorite week of the year was a little quieter because about 30% of everyone was sick... Nonetheless, Josh gave his love poem (in Spanish!) to Vyvy, and she received it very maturely. Poor Vyvy, it's Josh Pinzas! I left my crush's Valentine's Gift sitting on my desk because I was too sick to remember it. Made me feel like an asshole... I'll tell her at some point, I'm sure she'll understand that I was sick and I had a headache... Right now I'm just at the computer. Today I'm going to be here a lot, waiting for her to log on...

mood: *cough* | music: "I'm Not In Love" - Olive

Today I'm sick, so I'm not at school. That means no movie making and no hour-long extra help. But that's not the main reason I'm pissed. It seems now that she is all I care about. As if all I am is a slave to her beauty. Everything else just melts away... It's a wonderful feeling to be in love but I'm not sure if this is healthy. *sigh*... Dylan and I were making plans for a double date (Her and Hospodor, me and You-shouldn't-know-who). I just don't know if she'll like it... She's been idle for about 30something hours on AIM now... doesn't she have a cat who moves the mouse or summin? I shall figure it out. Life will continue to treat me better.

mood: *grumble* | music: "Facing Hell" - Ozzy

I missed all of the pre-Valentine's action today because I was gone after school, which, coincidentally, is when something actually happens. I'm on AIM and am checking my email, so feel free to make my evening a little more interesting. Nothing happened today, as you might expect, because I was gone after school. The first chance I will have to talk to her again is Wednesday afternoon, because Movie Making is on Tuesday. Only today did I find out how much Hospodor wants to be involved in getting me together with her. well... I guess help is appreciated. New screenshot! Screenshot. Isn't OS X beautiful?

mood: waiting | music: "Jenny from the block" - J Lo

I'm sitting watching the shadows grow longer on the last afternoon before upcoming six days of love, hate, despair, gratification, cheating, lying, hapiness, sadness, acceptance, denial... You guessed it, the week leading up to Valentine's Day. This year, one of my favorite weeks of the year. For some people (moi), a happy time of year. For other people, maybe not so happy. Definitely a lot to talk about and a worthy distraction from boring classes. Tommorow afternoon, I will move forward in leaps and bounds. The home run happens on the fourteenth, around 11:30AM. I will not reveal its exact nature, but by then everyone and everything will be in place for perfect circumstances. *ahem* scott, you're not going to mess this up for me, right? I still have gotten no emails about my website despite my frequent updates and flagrant publicity, so I would appreciate some backtalk on this... New layout was cancelled, and moved back to after Valentines during President's week, in which I will have plenty of time to work on many things... many, many things...

mood: exooberant | music: "A Moment Like This" - Kelly Clarkson

You no doubt read me asking for a miracle? It came a week late, but it's here. At the dance I spent most of the time dancing (duh) but some time thinking. Here's the deal. I like her. She knows, but to me, she acts like she doesn't know. I act like I don't know that she knows. She likes me. I know, but to her, I act like I don't know. I'm not sure if she knows that I know. For helping me to get this far, I would like to thank Kathryn Coopen and Mr. Hospodor with all the helpful and detailed ba ckground information. I don't know how long it'll be before that frame is filled, but I give it an ETA of... five weeks? 25 days of hard work. Let's see what I can pull. It seems like my whole life is going to revolve around this... but that's ok, because life is beautiful. For me it's all well and good. But now one of my friends has taken over being the suicidally depressed guy in our social group. He got turned down to dance by Caitlin because "she doesn't want to be dating right now." I'm worried he's going to go kill himself, or be mean to his familiy, or become and obessed loser... I'm worried about him. My scenario isn't perfect. It's been over half a year since Hospodor dumped her and she doesn't really want to be in another relationship. Now, I've made her like me, now I have to make her believe that I won't dump her and that I like her a lot and that maybe I'm different than Andrew, no offense to him. Soon I'll have reason on my iBook too, so expect me to start posting some badly compresed MP3s of my work in digital music class. Woot. Wish me luck! 

moid: entranced | music: "Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia I got absoloutely zilch responses to the last verse. Well, be sure to read it. Today I walked into my room. I saw the pulsing ligths of my computer and heard the cat purring loudly upon my arrival. The air still hung with the smell of incense from that morning's yoga workout. I almost tripped over one of my laptops and approached my desk. I then looked up, and turned. On the shelf, I pushed aside my book, "A Thousand Paths to Enlightenment" and and watched as a burned-out lightbulb rolled off the shelf and smashed onto my desk, narrowly missing the case of my Yoga DVD. Then I pulled it out, and blew a lot of dust off it. It's a picture frame, with flowers inside the glass. Yellow flowers, I forget what they're called. But the flowers surround something terrible. Rather than a picture of my family or a girlfriend, the flowers protect a gaping void. Though you might think it doesn't matter (depressed kid finds picture frame; seeks inhabitant) you have no idea what you're dealing with. This frame has been reserved for lovers, and I have not yet had any. Rather, at the time I did, I was too tiny to work a camera, and it was more of a friendship. I need a miracle. Monday morning, can I please have a miracle? *sniff* I really, really want a miracle. Pinch me.

mood: desperate, hopeless | music : "Grammy Winners" - Funkstorung

Sheesh. I decided to give it an official "Oh, what the hell." That means that the person whom I do have a crush on may contact me if she reads this. So if you think I like you and you're reading this then get in touch with me via AIM (NOT IN REAL LIFE!!) and find out if it is you. Why not in real life? Because then other people can hear. AIM is secure. (Well, not really, but I am hack-proof.) And if you approach directly in real life, then I will still answer but I will first initiate you to complete and absoloute secrecy. Anyway, if you want to find out who you are, contact me. There, I said it. In other news, I have been feeling rather crap lately. Lots of headaches and other stupid shit like that. My stomach has some weird condition that makes me feel out of breath right after I eat. Sheez, eating is supposed to make calories, not burn them. I'm sitting in the Library with Phusion and my new favorite song blaring in my ear. Not the one listed above, that was going when I started writing. It's now "Disease" by Matchbox. My favorite line? I got her diease/ deep inside me/ makes me feel uneasy baby [and now for my fav part] i can't live without you / tell me what am i supposed to do about it. That is like the one thing I want to say to her right now. Oh well, I can't. I can't live without her. What am I supposed to do about it?

I haven't upadted in so long, and I'm sorry. My laptop broke so I could not update. Fear not, Ambient is not an abandoned project. A new layout should be up within a few weeks, but until then here's your verse. Today I avoided a nervous breakdown. The teenage initiaion stuff was lost with the old HD, but hey, such is life. Anyway, back to a nervous breakdown. Last night I had a dream so vivid I could have sworn it was real. Well, the sensory impulses (sight, sound, etc) were. The only thing that was unreal was what happened. I will not reveal of what I dreamt. Anyway, back to the sensory stuff. The first hours of the morning I was very scared as I did know if I was still dreaming or if I was in reality. Later, though, I talked to the people that were in the dream over the course of the day and convinced myself that they were acting as if they did not remember the events of the dream. In fact, the main character didn't even talk to me all day until 3:30, and that was about something totally different. So the distorted sense of pseudoreality made me feel weird. First there was that. Then there was that voice. A female voice, my age, anywhere from two to thrity feet directly behind me. She always called my name, but when I turned to see her, there was no one there. By midday this stuff all sort of had me creeped out fully and I began nervously breaking down. But at 2pm-ish, it started to look up. I remembered that my laptop would be coming back, so I cheered up considerably. I hadn't talked to her in weeks and today she came and initiated conversation with me!(she being the love of my life in real life, and also the main character of this dream). Anyway, I came home feeling lovely and ran up to the Airborne Express guy whenhe delivered my laptop. Phusion, by the way, is feeling lovely with a new screen hinge, a new hard disk, and a keyboard with a delete key. I just hope she doesn't figure out who she is form reading this, and if she does, I'll kick my self. Hard. Thanks for waiting so long for an update :-)

mood: bored, procrastinating | music: "Every Day is a Winding Road" - Sheryl Crowe

There goes another Christmas and New Years.... now it's back into the usual daily undulations of boredom, stupidity, intrigue, pointless existence, and more. Well, I decided not to post the memoir of the year. I'll keep it for myself and start a personal collection. I'll publish them at the end of my life or something. Actually, I'll post that and my teenage initiation speech on my birthday, the 10th. The real beginning of a new ear in my life is on the 10th, when I turn 13. I think that the new ear is going to be awesome. Not neccesarily fun, but.... well, different. Soon I need to select my favorite caffiene-laced beverage in order to stay up very late "doing homework". *cough* internet *cough*. I just neglecte the HTML editor down into the dock for about ten minutes. Many people are unfamiliar with my computer's interface, and therefore I have chosen to give a screenshot every few days so you can have an idea. The one I took today is here. I'll try to take them at regular intervals, but I might forget.

mood: happyful, if a little sunburned | music: "Love in Traffic" - Satoshi Tomiie

I would start by wishing everyone a happy new year, but before I do I want you to know something. It is our society that has created the idea of a "year". For all the pretty tropical fish I was snorkelling with this morning, New Year's eve was just another night. It's something we've created that we have ourselves all wrapped up in. I mean, it's convenient because we can assign dates to events such as meetings, lunches, solar eclipses, random instances of screaming, and other such wonderful shite. That's the only reason I use the standard system for measuring time. Time and dates, countries, borders, laws... they're all something we've created for ourselves. Every second - well wait, society created the second too... Ok, the point it, don't live by the clock. The clock is something society has imposed upon you. If you want to use it, fine. If you want to make your own time system, fine, but be prepared to write a computer program that translates "standard" time into your own system. Or you can do what I do: celebrate new year's for the hell of it, be at my classes on time to make my life easier, and.. ooop, shit, I just caught myself being a conformist. [personality "Lazy Ben" exits. Personality "Rebellious Nonconformistic Ben" enters. Point is, it's just the position of a huge gas ball relative to the position on the small rock we all live on. I could have said, point it, it's just another day of the year. The problem with that is the use of the words day and year in that sentence, which goes against my point. With that, Happy return to the position of the earth as it was 365 days ago. Translation = Happy New Year for all you people that are still conforming to society out there.

I haven't updated the site much. Why? Hawaii Trip. Also, I am preparing a mondo update. The full transcript of my teenage initiation speech as well as a full memoir of this year. 20 pages of stuff at least. So check back soon.

mood: happy, looking forward to | music: "Propellerheads - Boom da Bass" again

i haven't update in a while. sorry about this, I had surgery on my wrist and or course as always there were places to be, things to do, and people to see.. I re-read the last entry. Quite nice, eh? I like it. I have been getting a lot of hits to the site lately. A lot. That makes me happy, because it shows that people care about me. I like it when people care about me enough to pull up my webbie. I have a LAN party tonite, but it is without the internet. I have dial-up, but I will be playing games on one of my other laptops, and so will have very little time for AIM. In the past few days, I've tried a new approach. I don't go diving and look for the deeper meaning. Instead, I just skim the surface and get the hell on with it. It requires a comfortably tiny amount of thinking. But don't worry, I won't always be this way. I have NOT been assimilated the the collective of people who are easily sold a product or who do not question existence and relativity. I recently wrote a scene which would be used to open a DVD on how we could use the spare processing time in all the electronics we have to completely map the probability grid. Of course, then there's the question of perspective, Should we map it from the perspective by atom or by personality. Huh. Oh well, off I go to Max's place for caffiene and movies. Tata.

mood: anxious, desperate to know, stressed, out of it | music: "Let U Go - ATB"

I've stopped putting dates on entries because then they last longer, and you don't not read an entry simply because it's "yesterdays one". I think she likes me, I think I like her, her Christmas present is all ready but I don't know if I should give it to her. Just to walk up to her and ask her "Do you like me? Oh, and Merry Christmas" *hands gift*. Yeah, great. Oh joy. I looked up from the computer and saw my face in the mirror. The mirror is about 7-9 feet away, and from far away I look normal, your average almost-thirteen year old. I moved closer. I started noticing other stuff. A somewhat depressed, but rather blank expression. Large blue bags looking like eyeliner applied to my skin from the inside. How can that be? I love sleep and I sleep a lot and I have cut back a lot on caffiene in the past weeks. Am I stressed?[duh]. But my eyes. I looked deep and probingly into my eyes. A rugged terrain of grey-blue wavy peaks and crevasses. Deeper, further. What was in the eyes. I feel like the interesting person I was when I was 9-10 has drained out of me. No one ever sees my intellectual potential anymore. Inside I'm a smart and unique person, but I'm mad at myself because I don't show it. People know I'm not stupid, but they lack to see the potential I have like my teachers back home (New Zealand) did. Have I changed? Most likely. I pull back to the computer and pull up my buddy list from the dock. Is she on? Nope. shite. I rub my sore eyes and know that I really should shower. I'll get to it. I'll write for 10 more minutes, then I'll go run under a stream of water. My neck aches. I turn it 180 degrees. "Crack, crunch. Crack." Kind of like when my friends crack their knuckles, but ten to the sixth times louder. My hand reaches for the cordless phone, but then pulls back after realizing I have no one to call. Will anyone call? Somebody please call.

12/15/02 No picture today, condolences

mood:suspicious, inclined to ask flatout | music: "Play that Funky Music Terran Boy" - Starcraft

Dah, pictures are superfluous. Sometimes. Not always. Two people, each wants to do the same to the other. Neither knows. Both are intent. One circles the other, a "courting" of sorts. Then one decides to strike, but changes their mind when he notices signs in the other. She circles. They are frozen. Inert. At that point, I stop to write down my progress on my site. Don't I just make everything sound so dramatic sometimes? I wish I could do something, but I fear I'll spoil it and break the delicate equilibrium of the deadlock I've been in for the past 40 minutes. Wow. I've been through a lot of cell minutes disucussing this with all my other wireless- enables friends. Should I put it on my site? But then people can read it. Oh no, this is what I've been afraid of all along. That at some point, I won't be open anymore. I won't tell people about everything about me. This site is supposed to allow you to see my life completely. Now, however, there's someone (several people, in fact) that isn't supposed to see into myy life. I don't know why. They should be allowed to know, but there are factors that are.... ahhh..... mildy affectionate in nature? And of course the subject of the affection (subject/object.... ahh I don't know) shouldn't know about it. Sheesh, aren't I terrible?

mood: blank, pensive | music: my stupid ringtone, the text message noise

You know, I'm having problems with my site. The only reason I was able to open up so much on this site is because not many people read it, or the people that did decided that a certain phrase or clause I uttered was not worth telling the whole school about. Now, however, Ambient is attracting masses of visitors and I'm sure there's someone in there who will scroll through this page and figure out a few secrets of mine. What I really wanted was for people to read it, but those who are reading it now are not those whom I want to read it. No, they are, just there's a group of people in particular that would act very weird around me had they used deductive reasoning on the last entry which I cleared just because of that. Expect a change in writing style and closer scrutiny of server logs. Shite.

12/12/02

mood: happy, excited, sleuthful | music: "Carnival XIII - Breeder"

Entry removed because of uber incriminating shtuff.

12/8/02

mood: PAIN, pain, pain, happyfulness | music: "1-800-Ming - Brother Love Dubs"

Let me explain my pain. Yesterday, an improbability field randomly generated a few particles, which were hit by my bike. I went off the bike and then the bike landed in top of me. The bike's landing on the pavement was braked, slowed, and cushioned by none other than moi. Then I went and got a cast-splint-thing, which impairs my typing. Therefore, I will now be updating the site less. Damn.

12/6/02

mood: happy, expectant, nervous | music: anything trance-ish or party-ish

I have a dance tonight. But this isn't just A dance. This is the holidays. This calls for aerosol synthetic snow. Today's picture is artistic photography from the last dance. I was going to use it for the cover of a mix, but I haven't actually recorded any mixes since thin, so it will become a picture for the site. For now. I re-read last night's entry. Now, I don't think that entry was neccesary. I often find that the day after I write something, it ceases to make sence. I will be putting up pictures from the dance as soon as tommorow morning around mid-day. At the very least, they're going to be up before we return to prison on Monday. I need to snap back to concious reality just for tonight, then I can teleport back out. Funny how that works, huh? I must go bother with other things now.

12/5/02

mood: strangely excited, oblivious to surroundings | music: "Propellerheads - Boom Da Bass"

Attention: slightly egotistical entry ahead. no offense.

Over the past few days, I've had several people tell me that the person who writes on this site is not me. He's somebody different. I think that maybe that I need to explain that, and am going to dedicate this entry to explaining. So here goes. This whole daily life thing - well, I had some major changes for it in mind soon anyway. You say this isn't the Ben you know. Well, it is still me. Fact is, I've always been the person you see here. The person you know In Real Life is also me, but I fear that if I say things like I say them here, someone might sneak up on me with a straight jacket. In Real Life, I don't make my thoughts known often because people don't appreciate them in that form. People seem to like it a lot better when I post it here in this format, where they can read it on their own time and scroll through past entries and read them too. The Ben you know in real life, the sort of strange and quiet Ben you know in real life, that's not Ben. Ben is the person you read here. Or some part of him is. Parts of him are scattered all over all communications mediums, the internet and our very own three dimensions as well as sound waves. It's hard to find a complete Ben because Ben is so infinite. And right now, Ben needs his sleep.

12/4/02

mood: absoloutely blank, insightful at times | music: "Impact USA (The earth is burning) - Orbital"

CRAPPY ENTRY AHEAD. CONDOLENCES.

Please note that this entry has/will have been/ was written over a period of several hours, when I had a spare moment. Therefore, theme and tone will vary. Today's picture is from Corbis, apologies. My pictures of the Golden Temple are on a Zip disk which is at home, so I had to get a stock image off the net. That temple was so amazing. Pure gold. The guy that lived there must have never had a single negative thought. The garden it beautiful. Shizzah, I loved that place. I was recently thinking about "The Japan Trip and all that could have been." There are so many things I could have done in those 10 days but I didn't. I just didn't get around to it or I didn't think to do. Someone says that when I'm writing here, I'm not my usual self. I'm a different person. She seems to think it's not cool and that I should be more funny. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Ben's new and different personality is on the other side! I'm still drifting, BTW. I haven't reached another island again. I'm still drifting away from concious reality. I can't find anyone, anything in this world that really means anything to me. Nothing. I am an individual unit. I wish I could think of more to write, but again I am blank an empty. Maybe something will come to me on the shuttlebus. Until then... In the past few days I've just been blank. Nothing to write about. I haven't thought a whole lot. I haven't written a whole lot, which disturbs me. I've had very few emotions. This feels very unhealthy. My brain needs a universal reset. I need a purge that resets me to back before... ever. I need to get out of this. Maybe I've been brainwashed. Yesterday's entry was ok but this one sucks.

12/3/02

mood: excited, energized, expectant music: "Reality Net - Richard H Kirk"

I think about all the unrelated small and undetailed pieces of raw informatino flitting back and forth between souls daily. Little messages, containing not words but concepts. tiny, undetailed concepts of enhancing information is recorded. The data is recorded in the order it is recieved, and so is unrelated. Some of the data comes from external input while other pieces come from different departments who have processed and reformatted old data. I'm talking about the mind's interaction with society. Why I feel energized, excited, and so on, I do not know. The song makes me think about the internet. You might say, "No Duh, the title". Actually, it's the music. Yeah, believe it. This society we've put together can not be recreated. It's unique. It has its upsides and downsides. I think it's beautiful in a way, and terrible and scumful in another way. In that case, the only way to describe it is unique. Today's picture is actually one of my desktop backgrounds. The character in the picture is in fact named Bean, but I renamed my copy of the picture guy because Bean is my name, and when you call yourself Bean you accept all the ideology, all the concepts and objects that are what Bean is, which is Bean. Sorry, am I confusing you, dear reader? I am so grateful for my readers. Usually, when something is circling in my head and I post it on my site, I feel that it's out of my system and I can think about other stuff. I've realzed, however, that it's not fully out until someone comes to the site, reads it, and it makes them think. People are about to come admire my beautiful computer, and I don't want them reading right off my screen. Thankyou, reader. You are the life blood of my site.

12/2/02

mood: tired, tired, tired, bored music: "Semi Detached - Orbital"

Oy, I don't change much do I... I'm bored a lot. Picture today is a bootyful flower in my yard that I took a while back. I was in Hawai'i, so don't sue me for not updating. I update when I feel like it, not when you want me to... This world is a really weird place to be, especially my world since it's just so... well..weird. That undefined object or event must have been the trip to Hawai'i, cause I'm feeling much better. I will write more later, have other stuff to do now. Later.... Blah. Now I actually have time to write and so I will. Since my computer isn't up, I'm writing on paper. This might get lost or destroyed, but I have to write now. Honestly, I lost the rest of this entry. I feel so stupid. The good part's gone.

11/25/02 mood: enlightened, state of nothingness, waiting for an undefined object or event.... music: Alanis Morisette - Uninvited